Homeschooling. Large families. Biblical womanhood. Quiverfull.The Christian patriarchy movement promises parents a legacy of godly children—if they adhere to specific Biblical principles. But what happens when families who abandon “the world” for “the Biblical home” leave hearts behind, too?Written by the firstborn in a homeschooling family of eleven children, Quivering Daughters— Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy biblically examines the fruits of authoritarian, religious families and shows women the real way home—to the grace, heart, and love of God.
Covert or Emotional Incest:
(Non-sexual but gender related inappropriate usury of family members to meet unmet needs or to medicate shame)
- Silently Seduced (Adams)
- The Emotional Incest Syndrome (Love)
- Facing Love Addiction (Mellody)
- Trapped in the Mirror (Golomb)
- [I found this book to be very helpful to me, BTW.]
- (Also note links to online information in this blog post)
- The Wounded Heart (Allender) [Note: This is a Christian book!]
Family Dysfunction and Healthy Parenting
- The Betrayal Bond: Recovery from Exploitive Relationships (Carnes)
- Children of Trauma, Rediscovering Your Discarded Self (Middelton – Moz)
- Adult Children, The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families (Friel and Friel)
- Compelled to Control (Miller) [I also listed this as a shame resource in the previous blog post.]
- Toxic Parents (Forward)
- Emotional Blackmail (Forward)
- Always Daddy's Girl (Wright)
- Who's Pulling Your Strings (Braiker)
Audio Presentation: "From Shame to Glory"
by Kathryn Chamberlin, LCSW-C
Kathryn attends the Fourth Presbyterian Church in Bethesda, Maryland, a church that is a member of the Evangelical Presbyterian Church denomination, following the Westminster Confession of Faith and the Heidelberg Catechism.
As you are free to note on her webpage, she holds a nursing degree from University of Virginia, a Master's Degree in Social Work from The Catholic University and certification in Biblical Counseling. She practices Christian counseling with the Bethesda Counseling Group, offering services to those in the Baltimore-DC Metro area.
Kathryn's presentation, “From Shame to Glory” is perhaps the best place to start a journey out of shame and into the liberty that is afforded to all believers in Christ Jesus. She has several other audio resources available, and I would also recommend considering these additional presentations as well:
- **From Shame To Glory**
- Shame versus Worth
- The Approval Addict
- The Performance Trap
- Hurt Trail to Idolatry
- The Door Metaphor
Best Codependency Book: "Love is a Choice"
Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier's book on codependency examines the problem of persistent shame in the Christian's life. Christ saves us from the shame of sin and restores us, but for those of us who have been raised in families that were lacking the support we desperately needed, we tend to get stuck in patterns of shame that can prevent us from fully embracing the fullness of our forgiveness and liberty in Christ. Their ten step program teaches about how we can get caught up in repetitive patterns of shame and how we can be liberated from shame.
** There is also a companion workbook, if you find that such resources have been helpful to you in the past, but it is not necessary to glean wisdom from the message in the book.
If you find yourself very compelled by “Love is a Choice,” finding the message of that book more relevant to your needs and interests, I would consider reading some secular material concerning shame. Though any book on the subject of shame or codependency as it was once popularly called would be appropriate, I find that these titles have been very good. These have all been time honored and standards in the area of overcoming shame.
- "Facing Codependence" and the companion workbook “Breaking Free” (Mellody)
- "Codependent No More" & "Beyond Codependency " (Beattie)
- "Compelled to Control" (Miller)
If you find that ,you are still uncomfortable with a secular message and Kathryn's message holds more value for you, I would consider these following Christian titles first.
- "Hiding from Love" (Townsend)
- "Boundaries" and companion workbook (Townsend and Cloud)
- "The Healing Path" and and companion workbook (Allender)
- Meditation to help recovery from shame from the National Association for Christian Recovery
The National Association for Christian Recovery:
- Recovery From Shame article and worksheet
- Free library of articles from back issues of STEPS magazine.
Devotionals for Christians in Recovery:
- "Rooted in God's Love" (NACR, who also offers a free daily email devotional)
- "12 Step Life Recovery Devotional" (Arteburn & Stoop)
Counseling and Self-Help Groups
Private Counseling. This blog post at UnderMuchGrace.com describes how to find a counselor that is right for you including what kind of counseling to pursue. The post about finding a counselor was part of a series that addresses the needs of survivors of abuse in religious homes for teens, and though most never endure the degree of abject abuse that they suffered, the after-effects can be very similar. There are also ideas about how to navigate through payment. Something that I didn't include in that post is the option of contacting Catholic Charities in your area for help finding a counselor. They do not try to recruit people into new religious experiences but are only interested in helping people in the community find helpful resources.
If the writings on this blog and on UnderMuchGrace.com speak to you, when I called to find out about counselors and their availability, I would ask whether they accepted and worked within the model of enmeshment, covert incest, and codependency specifically. (I address the topic from that approach, consistent with the writings of Melody Beatty, Pia Mellody, John Bradshaw, Patrick Carnes, the Minrith Meier Christian self-help series, etc..)Most counselors will, but some don't particularly like the model. You will be better served with someone who shares this approach, and it can be worth asking about it before you invest time and money in the process.
I've talked with other survivors in the past who gained a great deal from group therapy which is usually cheaper than individual therapy. This is also something that you can inquire about when you call to find private counselors and their fee schedules. Therapists that offer this service may require an initial private visit with the counselor for an initial assessment before meeting collectively with a group of clients.
Self-help Meetings. I think that personal counseling is a preferable choice, but once you've made your way through the basics and understand the issues you face, self-help meetings can become an important part of the recovery process. I also caution people because many people can make the group their new religion and savior, just transferring their dependency on individuals over on to the group process. This doesn't always happen (and there are far worse things to which you could “transfer” your feelings and dysfunction), but it is a caution to consider.
I personally like Emotions Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous meetings as an adjunct to working with a counselor, and it can be an alternative if you cannot afford another alternative. You are asked to throw a nominal donation into the fund at each meeting to help cover incidental expenses of the group. These groups, based on the AA model, work through the Twelve Steps, and you can usually find a personal sponsor if you feel that you need one. Well run groups can be fantastic, but be aware that they are not generally run by professionals but by volunteer laypersons. People who participate help to hold one another accountable and offer encouragement, much like a group therapy session, but without professional oversight. Find local meetings by using the online search engines for each organization noted above.
Self-help meetings can also be a way of maintaining a recovery mindset if you take a break from counseling or no longer feel like you need to see a private counselor. I've also known people who cannot afford weekly counseling, so they go less frequently, filling in with the gaps during their off weeks with self-help groups.
Online Support. You can also follow and participate in discussions at the secular forum at CovertIncest.com. TheChristian Recovery forums also offer a good place to discuss the core problems associated with enmeshment within a Christian context. Both of these forums have been around for quite a long time, discussing the challenges faced by those who are affected by enmeshment.
Other forums with which I am less familiar but offer the same kinds of alternatives include:
Working on Your Own Recovery
Though showing up at a counselor's office or attending a group once a week can be a very helpful part of recovery from these types of abusive relationships, the real healing comes from the work that you commit to your own healing. There are a great many things that you can do yourself to help you gain insight and to heal.
Journaling. Most good counselors will encourage you to write your feelings out in a journal. Writing out your problems seems to help take the sting of obsession and compulsion that accompanies relationships of covert incest and the habits learned while in these relationships.This post talks about how healing the process of journaling can be for you in recovery and about the research that supports it, as well as offering strategies that will help a person get started.
Personally, I like to combine journaling withDaniel Amen, Archibald Hart, and Earl Henslincall “killing the ANTs,” a process which allows you to challenge “Automatic Negative Thoughts.” This is essentially the same process that Chris Thurman describes in his book entitled, The Lies We Believe. You can use the accompanying workbook as a journaling guide as well. From the secular perspective, I like Breaking Free, a codependency workbook by Pia Mellody.
So Much to Read...
Essential blog posts. While you wait for snail mail to deliver books if you don't download them to read on Nook or Kindle, I think that a few of the following blog posts can give you an idea of what benefits you will gain by working on recovery and how enmeshment happens in the first place. This is a shorter blog post about how we end up living lives of drama, and this is a series of posts that talks more specifically how we end up the way we are (which is much longer). The series essentially gives an overview of the areas of life wherein we learn how to be “messed up,” based on Pia Melody's model. We end up not only becoming the receptacles for our primary parent's shame where they unload their distress, but we also become sources of love and worth that they use for their own gratification.
You can also explore the tag list here at Overcoming Botkin Syndrome, as it touches on many of the basic challenges faced by adult children who grew up enmeshed with the adults on whom they depended for survival. Make sure to read the tabbed items explaining how the process begins here, one of the tabbed items listed at the top of the blog. This post also discusses physical health and other practical ways that a person can find healing.
Covert Incest. Kenneth Adams just revised his book about covert incest, Silently Seduced, and Patrick Carnes participated as a contributor along with Adams in this edition. Carnes' work is essential reading (see below), so I am thrilled to see him contribute to Adams' essential writing in this area. Patricia Love's book, The Emotional Incest Syndrome, is also essential reading and contains more personal accounts of survivors than does the original edition of Adams' book. Adams also wrote a related book that explores the problematic relationships of enmeshment shared by controlling mothers and their sons, When He's Married to Mom. Check the tag list under "book authors" to read selections from many of these helpful books.
Getting started in recovery. When first beginning the process of healing, most people face functional or pragmatic challenges in their relationships. I love Patrick Carnes' book, The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships for several reasons. (I recently wrote a blog post about it HERE, if you're curious, a specific type of enmeshment that occurs between adults.) In addition to the other benefits of the book, it offers checklists that help you narrow down areas of weakness in your life which can help you focus your recovery process. Take note that the area that Carnes ended up focusing on in the clinical area was the field of sexual addiction, so he often refers to research findings drawn from this area of study and treatment in the book. I've been somewhat reluctant to recommend his book for this reason, as a Christian audience might find this to be difficult, depending on their background.
I also like Harriet Braiker's book, Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life because it also offers an assessment test to help the reader identify weak areas in their life which predispose them to relationship problems. I've stated before that it almost offers the benefits of multiple self-help books by cutting through the non-essentials. Enmeshment involves tremendous manipulation, so the book also helps the reader learn how to respond to manipulation and control, but it is also good reading for anyone who encounters manipulators – and that's everyone on the planet.
Both of these books can also be used as a jumping of point to help guide journaling.
Essential reading about enmeshment. This post, the Journey out of Shame, lists many resources that will be helpful for those who are healing from enmeshment, including both Christian and secular material. They discuss different aspects of the genesis of covert incest and codependency, along with strategies for healing. Toxic, unmerited shame forms the core of the problem of covert incest, and there's now a great selection of books on the topic of shame and recovery from it.
Not (yet) included in this list is a secular book on boundaries, another essential topic that must be tackled in recovery from enmeshment. Read more about the book, Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life in a blog post HERE. Another post explaining the topic can be read HERE, featuring info from the Christian authors who are well known for their writings about the topic.
Revised Jan 2013