Overcoming Botkin Syndrome

A Hopeful Message for those Affected by Health Problems Associated with Stress and Childhood Emotional or Physical Abuse

2012-01-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

Anexcerpt from the Afterword
"The Body's Silent Weeping"

by Cindy Kunsman

inHillary McFarland's

QuiveringDaughters:

Hopeand Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy

(Note: This copy of my pre-edited text

which was not previewed by the editor of the book

may differ from thepublished version.)

~~ I encourage all to read the book which contains many more recommendations andadditional information about specific ways to heal, but I wanted tosend anadditional message of hope to follow up after the previouspost. ~~

There are many options available tobring healing after loss. I would like to encourage you toremind yourself that emotional healing is different from physicalhealing. Emotions heal in layers, and you will often findyourself “backtracking” to what seems like lessons you learnedbefore, as though you are failing to make progress. Think ofemotional healing like peeling an onion. As the onion grew, theframework of every layer drew water and nourishment from the samesource, putting some of those nutrients into each layer as it grew.
As you progress into deeper levels of healing, each layer will greetyou with reminders of the old paths of pain that shaped your past. When you peel each new layer, your eyes will burn and tear with thegrief over the disappointments and loss concerning that past. This is normal and healthy, and it is not something to be feared. That is just how emotional healing takes place. There willalways be a few tears of grief as you mature, getting down into thedeeper places when deep calls unto deep. This is a good sign ofpositive growth, something that should encourage you with hope.

Physical Health Problems Experienced by Adults Who Suffered Childhood Mental and Physical Abuse

2012-01-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

Anexcerpt from the Afterword
"The Body's Silent Weeping"
by Cindy Kunsman

inHillary McFarland's

QuiveringDaughters:

Hopeand Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy

(Note: This copy of pre-edited text

which was not previewed by the editor of the book may differ

from thepublished version.)

Depression precipitates neurohormonalimbalance in the brain which heightens the experience of pain andfatigue, and the physiologic effects of depression are alsoassociated with a cluster of other physical health problems. There isa strong correlation between depression and overlapping healthproblems in children who live in highly stressful conditions. For example, parents with personality disorders that cause erraticparenting styles have children with a high incidence of allergies,asthma, gastrointestinal disorders, and headaches. These typesof findings were general and based upon anecdotal information thatwas not specifically subject to statistical analysis. Newresearch indicates also specifically that children who experiencedneglect, mistreatment and abuse also manifest a higher incidence ofboth migraine and osteoarthritis. ^{1, 2}

Other studies that require moreintensive and specific investigation report strong preliminarycorrelations of childhood mistreatment with cancer, high bloodpressure, high cholesterol, and inflammation associated with elevatedC-reactive protein which mediates all sorts of cardiovascular diseasesuch as heart attack and stroke.³

Based on what we now understand aboutthe effect that our emotions have on our body medicine now recognizesthat our minds and our emotions are intimately connected to ourphysical health. As one specialist in trauma notes, “the bodykeeps score,” ⁴ andour physical bodies will grieve and mourn if we do not dealeffectively with our psychological and emotional baggage. Ourbodies will cry through illness and pain if we do not learn to do soourselves.

Unfortunately, it seems that once ourminds learn to translate our emotional pain into physical illness,the damage can never completely be undone. The body then learns tocope by way of disease and this survival and coping mechanism opensup a Pandora’s Box of health issues with lasting consequences. Because we tend to fall back to our more basic weaknesses and "pathsof least resistance" when under great stress, translatingemotional and psychological stress into pain and illness tends torecur for those who experience it, an immature but familiar means ofcoping that the body tends to recall. A person can best dealwith this tendency by working through their underlying emotional andpsychological pain and by sharpening their emotional and physicalawareness, learning to see this tendency as the body's way of voicingwhat may go unrecognized. Unfortunately, many parents have causedphysical diseases in their children despite their best intentions offostering their child's spiritual wellbeing.

Fuller-Thomson E, Stefanyk M, Brennenstuhl S. A robust association between childhood physical abuse and osteoarthritis in adulthood: findings from a representative community sample. Arthritis Rheum. 2009 Nov 15;61(11):1554-62.
Tietjen GE, Brandes, Jl, Peterlin BL Eloff A, Dafer RM, Stein MR, Drexler E, Martin VT, Hutchinson S, Aurora SK, Recober A, Herial NA, Utley C, White L, Khuder SA. Childhood Maltreatment and Migraine (Part I). Prevalence and Adult Revictimization: A Multicenter Clinic Headache Study. Headache 2010; 50:20-3
Danese A, Moffitt TE, Harrington H, Milene BJ, Polycanczyk G, Pariante CM, Poulton R, Caspi A. Adverse childhood experience and adult risk factors for age-related disease: depression, inflammation, and clustering of metabolic risk markers. Arch Pediatri Adolesc Med 2009 Dec; 163 (12): 1135-43.
Van der Kolk B. The body keeps score: memory and the evolving psychobiology of post traumatic stress. Harv Rev Psychiatry. 1994 Jan-Feb; 1(5):253-65.

Additionalrelated information

froma previous post at UnderMuch Grace:

Thoughtson Physical Disease

andthe Effects of Stress of Cultic Groups and Relationships

Ourthoughts and emotions have a profound effect on our automatic bodysystems, and these systems are regulated and balanced in a steadystate or “homeostasis” by the Autonomic Nervous System or “ANS.”This information from our thoughts and emotions informs the ANS,automatically preparing to help us adapt and survive. When we feelthreatened or if we think about and anticipate circumstances, ourmind stimulates the immediate release of certain neurotransmittersand/or “stress hormones” that are mediated by the ANS. Ourneurotransmitter levels fluctuate to help our bodies respond, doingthings like raising our heart rate so that we can pump plenty ofblood and oxygen to our muscles in order to run from danger. Ourpupils widen so we can take in more light and see more clearly. Ourbowels can either become less active or more active, depending on ouremotions and how the ANS responds to threat or information (likeworrying about taking a test the next day). The ANS stimulates theadrenal glands to release both epinephrine to bathe the whole body instimulation as well as cortisol (a natural steroid) which regulatesinflammation and affects blood sugar, making more fuel immediatelyavailable for energy production. The system works quite well when weexperience only limited episodes of periodic excitement and when wehave the opportunity to discharge the energy that our body producesin response to this excitement.

Chronic stress is quitedifferent, and it creates a high degree of ANS stimulation all thetime. Some of these symptoms are more well known, contributing toproblems like high blood pressure or irritable bowel syndrome, alldue to the stimulation of these body systems by the ANS, a systeminformed by the mind and the emotions. Healthcare is now learningmore and more about the “less immediate” effects of stress onbody systems that are effected by this high degree of ongoingstimulation, particularly on the hormonal system. This includes highcortisol production and altered action of insulin, now a majorproblem in the US because of the dramatic rise in obesity, diabetes,Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and immune system disorders like chronicfatigue (all of which are also aggravated and exacerbated by poordiet). Cortisol in high amounts alters how the body regulates sugars,insulin release, blood pressure, immune function, and inflammatoryresponse. The release of too much cortisol on a continual basisresults in diabetes, immune system disease, heart disease, arthritis,chronic pain syndromes, autoimmune diseases, headaches, depression,irritable bowel syndrome, female reproductive disorders anddepression. We see effects of this kind of chronic stress inpopulations of people like children of parents that have certainpersonality disorders. For example, children of parents withBorderline Personality Disorder demonstrate high degrees of allergy,asthma, headaches/ migraines and irritable bowel syndrome, likelyowing to the effects of chronic high levels of cortisol (Roth,Friedman & Kreger, 2003).

Researchers have identified anew field of study of “Heart Rate Variability” (HRV) as anindicator of the function of the ANS in order to identify those athigh risk for later development of diseases such as heart disease anddiabetes (diseases linked with high cortisol and stress). HRVmeasures certain subtle electrocardiogram findings andcharacteristics, evaluating the electrical impulses generated byelectrical system in the heart. Certain groups of professionals withhigh degrees of daily stress manifest greater degrees of HRV, as dothose who suffer with certain psychological problems including PostTraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety, and panic disorder. Basedupon more than 30 years of the objective, rigorous scientific studyof thought reform, we know that those who emerge from certaincontrolling relationships and spiritual abuse settings demonstratehigh degrees of PTSD and other related psychological disorders suchas anxiety and panic. Though no studies have focused on spiritualabuse victims and survivors directly, we can speculate that becauseof the overlap in findings between the psychological symptoms ofspiritual abuse with those who experience documented high levels ofchronic stress, PTSD, anxiety and panic disorders are also subject toa similar risk for the development of cortisol-related physicaldisease.

Additional References
Collins,JJ. The Cult Experience: An Overview of Cults, Their Traditions andWhy People Join Them. Springfield: Charles C. Thomas Pub Ltd,1991.
Funari,L. Born or Raised in High-Demand Groups: DevelopmentalConsiderations. ICSA E-Newsletter 2005, 4:3.
Gasde,I, Block, RA, Cult Experience: Psychological Abuse, Distress,Personality Characteristics, and Changes in Personal RelationshipsReported by Former Members of Church Universal and Triumphant. CSJ1998, 15:2, 192-221
HainesAP, Imeson JD, Meade TW. Phobic anxiety and ischaemic heart disease.Br Med J 1987; 295: 297-299.
KawachiI, Colditz GA, Ascherio A, Rimm EB, Giovannucci E, Stampfer MJ,Willett WC. Prospective study of phobic anxiety and risk of coronaryheart disease. Circulation 1994a; 89: 1992-1997.
KawachiI, Sparrow D. Vokonas PS, Weiss ST. Symptoms of anxiety and risk ofcoronary heart disease: The Normative Aging Study. Circulation 1994b;90: 2225-2229.
KawachiI, Sparrow D, Vokonas PS, Weiss ST. Decreased heart rate variabilityin men with phobic anxiety. Am J Cardiol 1995; 75: 882-885.
KumarV, Fausto N, Abbas, A. Robbins & Cotran's Pathologic Basis ofDisease, 7th ed. St. Louis: Saunders, 2004.
Kristal-BonehE, Raifel M, Froom P, Ribak J. Heart rate variability in health anddisease. Scan J Work Environ Health 1995; 21: 85-95.
LakusicN, Fuckar K, Mahovic D, Cerovec D, Majsec M, Stancin N.Characteristics of heart rate variability in war veterans withpost-traumatic stress disorder after myocardial infarction. Mil Med.2007 Nov;172:11, 1190-3.
Lalich,J.A. Dominance and Submission: the Psychosexual Exploitation of Womenin Cults. CSJ 1997, 14:1, 4-21.
Lalich,J, Tobias, M. Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and AbusiveRelationships. Berkeley: Bay Tree Publishing, 2006.
Langone,MD, ed. Recovery from Cults: Help for Victims of Psychological andSpiritual Abuse. New York: W.W. Norton, 1993.
MacHovec,FJ. Cults and Personality. Springfield: Charles C Thomas Pub Ltd,1989.
Martin,PR, Langone, MD, Dole, AA, Wiltrout, J. Post-Cult Symptoms AsMeasured by the MCMI Before and After Residential Treatment. CSJ1992, 9:2, 219-250.
MittlemanMA, Maclure M, Sherwood JB, Mulry RP, Tofler GH, Jacobs SC, FriedmanR, Benson H, Muller JE. Triggering of acute myocardial infarctiononset by episodes of anger. Circulation 1995; 92:1720-1725.
OfferhausRE. Heart rate variability in psychiatry. In: RJ Kitney, Rompelman O(eds). The Study of Heart Rate Variability. Oxford: Oxford UniversityPress, 1980: 225-238.
Panter-Brick,C, Worthman, CM. Hormones, Health, and Behavior. New York: CambridgeUniversity Press, 1999.
RothK, Friedman FB, Kreger, R. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to HealYour Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.New York: New Harbinger, 2003.
SackM, Lempa W, Steinmetz A, Lamprecht F, Hofmann A. Alterations inautonomic tone during trauma exposure using eye movementdesensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)--results of a preliminaryinvestigation. J Anxiety Disord. 2008 Oct;22:7, 1264-71.
SloanRP, Shapiro PA, Bigger T Jr, Bagiella E, Steinman RC, Gorman JM.Cardiac autonomic control and hostility in healthy subjects. Am JCardiol 1994; 74: 298-300.
TaskForce of the European Society of Cardiology and the North AmericanSociety of Pacing and Electrophysiology. Heart rate variability:standards of measurement, physiological interpretation and clinicaluse. Circulation 1996; 93: 1043-65.
Vander Kolk, B. “The Body Keeps Score” (lecture & conversation)Pioneers in Recovery Annual Symposium 2007. Novi, MI, October 12,2007. (Sponsored by The Meadows: Wickenburg, AZ)
Vander Kolk BA, Spinazzola J, Blaustein ME, Hopper JW, Hopper EK, KornDL, Simpson WB. A randomized clinical trial of eye movementdesensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), fluoxetine, and pill placeboin the treatment of posttraumatic stress disorder: treatment effectsand long-term maintenance. J Clin Psychiatry 2007 Jan;68:1,37-46.
West,LJ, Martin, PR. Pseudo-identity and the Treatment of PersonalityChange in Victims of Captivity and Cults. CJD 1996, 13:2,125-152.
YeraganiVK, Balon R, Pohl R, Ramesh C, Glitz D, Weinberg P, Merlos B.Decreased R-R variance in panic disorder patients. Acta PsychiatrScand 1990; 81: 554-559.
YeraganiVK, Pohl R, Berger R, Balon R, Ramesh C, Glitz D, Srinivasan K,Weinberg P. Decreased heart rate variability in panic disorderpatients: a study of power-spectral analysis of heart rate.Psychiatry Res 1993; 46: 89-103.

For Christmas - from a previous post

2011-12-24T11:13:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from a previous post to ponder.

This section appears in Alice Miller's “The Truth Will Set You Free” in the epilogue entitled “From Ignorance To Knowledge and Compassion.” (In my edition, this section appears starting on page 190 and concludes with a section appearing on page 195.) The book speaks of “generational faithfulness” as old patterns of dysfunction, of how parents unknowingly use their children to medicate their old pains of the past. The whole chapter speaks respectfully of the Bible, but it draws into question the traditions of men.

The figure of Jesus confounds all those principles of poisonous pedagogy… Long before his birth Jesus received the greatest reverence, love and protection from his parents… His earthly parents saw themselves as his servants… Would it not make eminent sense to encourage believers to follow the example of Mary and Joseph and regard their children as the children of God (which in a sense they are)?

[T]he members of the upcoming generations will have the courage to call evil by its name…It is high time to relinquish the destructive models and to mistrust the principle of obedience. We have no need of docile children brainwashed by their upbringing to be ideal targets of seduction by terrorists and lunatic ideologists, ready to fall in with their commands even to the extent of killing others. Children given the respect they deserve from their earliest years will go through life with open eyes and ears, prepared to fight injustice, stupidity, and ignorance with arguments and constructive action. Jesus did this at the age of twelve, and the scene in the temple (Luke 2:41-52) demonstrates eloquently that, if need be, he could refuse the obedience his parents asked of him without hurting their feelings.

With the best will in the world we cannot truly emulate the example of Jesus. None of us were carried by our mothers as the child of God; indeed, for far too many parents, children are merely a burden. What we can do, provided we really want to, is learn from the attitude displayed by Joseph and Mary. They did not demand docility from their son, and they felt no urge to inflict violence on him. Only if we fear the confrontation with our own histories will we need to have power over others and cling to it with all our might. And if we do that it is because we feel too weak to be true to ourselves and our own feelings. But being honest to our children will make us strong. In order to tell the truth we do not need to have power over others. Power is something we only need in order to spread lies and hypocrisy, to mouth empty words and pretend they are true.

Turning Off the Gas of Gaslighting

2011-12-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

As mentioned in the previous post, a person must change their response to manipulation in order to disable it. Gaslighters are manipulators who use a particular tactic to get what they want. Manipulators do what they do because their tactics work, and it generally involves little effort on their part. By stopping the cycle of giving a manipulator the response that they desire, a person can break the system.

This will not happen overnight, and it generally takes a great deal of consistency and practice. If you're the person who has decided to stop giving into manipulation, remember that as you take on the challenge of teaching your manipulator the new system, you are also learning new skills yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself, but don't give into the manipulation. You can learn to “turn off the gas” if you are willing to walk away from the manipulator to be free. That doesn't happen overnight.

Also remember that emotional growth and healing is never "linear." It may seem like you have as many setbacks as you will successes, and often it seems as though you are taking steps backward. Remember that this is the nature of emotional healing and growth. Remind yourself that this is how progress comes about.

Refer to the helpful hints and reminders about how to engage a manipulator. Be assertive, focusing on “I statements,” explaining how you feel, what you hope to accomplish, and what need. “You statements” tend to aggravate conflict and can imply that you know how he other party feels. By remaining focuses on your feelings and needs, you are better able to exercise self-control.

Focus on what you will tolerate and decide that in advance of gentle confrontation. Define your boundaries, and remember that a boundary that you do not defend is not a boundary but merely an idea. Remember that you are the only factor that you control in the situation. Focus your attention on self-control. You may even wish to practice stating your boundary on a particular matter to return to it as a measure of defending it. You've got to teach your manipulator that you've established a new boundary, and they will need time to absorb the new information. Practice repeating your “bottom line” requirements.

It is usually a good idea to evaluate your own hot buttons and those of your manipulator in advance. Avoid them! :) And remember that there is no struggle for power if you do not contribute to the struggle. Opt out by sticking by your own boundaries and limits to disarm a struggle. Try to avoid the discussion of who is right and who is wrong and the details of the particulars, because this just fosters the competition, one that has no resolution. A manipulator in deep denial generally will not be swayed by objective facts, though this may be very hard to comprehend and accept. Focus on communicating how you feel and how you are affected when your perceptions are challenged. If the other party dose not respect you and how you are affected by their behavior, walk away from the conflict.

Consider the ideas about confronting a narcissist (by avoiding direct confrontation) and the posts about resisting influence and manipulation from the Under Much Grace site. They are archived HERE, and pay special attention to George Simon's list about “Tactics of Manipulation.”

Why People Tolerate Gaslighting

2011-12-11T05:11:00.000-08:00

Before a person can disarm a gaslighter and resist the repetitive cycle, they must prepare for the challenge by examining the dynamics that hold them in the relationship.

*Essentially, that gaslighter has a driving need to be right, and the person who stays with them has a driving need to be accepted by the gaslighter.*

As it is highly unlikely that the manipulative party will magically give up their obsession and need to be right, it falls to the manipulated to disengage from their desire to gain acceptance. That is more easily said than done, and I continue to recommend Harriet Braiker's book, Who's Pulling Your Strings, as an excellent source and one of the best teachers to help those with these types of struggles.

Those who are regularly manipulated by a gaslighter must search their heart and soul to discover the reasons why they tolerate the behavior. Sometimes, people just do so out of habit and a desire to maintain an illusion of peace. It may not worth disturbing the system and inciting the wrath of the manipulator, or the the person may lack the time and energy required to confront the situation.
For the adult children who were raised under the rules and requirements of a religious system that employs gaslighting within the family, the common fear of abandonment that people outside of the system tend to feel to feel becomes magnified.

The consequences of non-compliance affect not only that person's status with the family, it also results in God's abandonment and God's punishment for rejecting the "divine umbrella of protection" allegedly provided by parental authority. Under this system of belief, the manipulative, gaslighting parent holds that adult hostage by threatening their relationship with God. In many situations where gaslighting is employed as a manipulative tactic, people can be unwilling to leave the relationship because of the threat of violence. In patriarchy, that threat is divine, one that is built right into the theology.

Many people remain in abusive relationships because they lack the resources to leave and provide their own support. This problem affects the quivering daughters of patriarchy who have been denied training outside of the home. If they were raised in a “Character First” homeschooling situation that turned out to be “character only” with weak academic training, they may have very limited vocational training options and opportunities. Mothers of large families may not be able to find an alternate home if they leave the family and take their children with them.

And many people will remain in a relationship because they are unwilling to abandon the fantasy that they have about how great and rewarding the relationship seems to them. I often hear people who are unfamiliar with patriarchy and the difficulties faced by women within the system ask why the women just don't pack up and leave. It's not that simple in terms of financial support, but it is often harder to give up the dream of what you would like that relationship to be. People tend to believe that if they have enough faith and can just get into a better place in the relationship, one day it will work. It is the carrot of hope that is dangled before the horse. It can also be humiliating to leave the relationship, because leaving seems like complete failure.

Ultimately, so long as a person needs the approval and acceptance or the benefits of the relationship with the person who uses gaslighting against them, and if they are unwilling to relinquish what they derive from the relationship, the dynamics will persist. By developing an internal locus of control, one can get free of the need for the approval of manipulators and their tactics.

Check back for one more post on the topic of gaslighting.

Signs That You Might Be Subject to Gaslighting

2011-12-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

Adapted for the daughters of patriarchy from

The Gaslight Effect:

How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations

Other People Use to Control Your Life

by Dr. Robin Stern

Do you feel that something is very wrong, but you just don't know what is going on? Do you feel like you should not have any cause for concern, but you still feel sad, hopeless, joyless, confused, or numb?

Do you find yourself second guessing yourself, lacking confidence, or always apologizing? Do you frequently ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" Do you withhold information to avoid conflict? Do you feel like you're "bad" if you voice concerns?

Do you wonder whether you are "good enough," or fear that you are not doing enough? Do you obsess over what you could possibly have done wrong in anticipation of error (what some authors call "predicting fear")?

Do you demand perfection from yourself? Do you base your choices on what will please others, even though this may not be your own choice or might even be a choice you find unpleasant?

Do you have a great deal of difficulty making even simple decisions, and does the process produces a great deal of anxiety for you?

Do family members offer perceptions of you that differ dramatically from your own perception of self? Do they insist that you adopt and share their opinions, even though you don't?

Does your family accuse you of behavior or attitudes that you don't believe that you have? Does your family treat you as though you were stuck in your childhood role, as though you'd never grown up? Do you find yourself defending your perceptions?

Do family members put you down or find other ways of treating you with contempt, either in front of other people or when the two of you are alone? Do you find yourself repeating explanations about why you feel the way that you do, obsessing with anxiety and frustration as you try to prove to others that you are right?

Do others use silence, guilt, blame, shame, obligation or fear, either to get their way or to punish you when your behavior displeases them? Are you threatened with displays of anger? Do you find yourself feeling fearful in their presence or at the thought of them?

Do you feel mocked or teased, and are these responses downplayed when you express your pain or embarrassment? Is there any name-calling or exaggeration of matters, introduced in such a way that helps them win the argument?

Do they threaten to abandon you? Are criticisms introduced to evoke shame to shift the focus off of matters that are important to you onto your unrelated or peripherally related past faults or errors? Do they invoke your worst fears about yourself?

Do you find that you are required to consider only the other person's feelings at the expense of your own? Could you be mistaking the other party's sorrow, anger or frustration incorrectly, attributing them as true regret and contrition?

Do you experience feelings of dread, heightened sensations, or physical complaints when thinking about or while actively facing the conflict? Are you having sleep disturbances or bad dreams?

Does they use your ideals against you? ("Isn't our relationship about unconditional love?" or "Aren't we called to be patient and forgiving with one another?" "Honor thy father and thy mother." "Submit, woman!") Are these arguments offered to you in a context where you cannot easily respond?

Are matters framed as no win situations for you so that you are "damned if you do and damned if you don't"?

Does they make you doubt your own perceptions, memory, or sense of reality? ("I never said that, you must have imagined it." "Don't you remember promising me...." "Everyone thought you were laughable and were embarrassed for you.") Do you ever have problems recalling the details of events regarding what transpired during a conflict or over disputed events?

Do you defend them to convince yourself and others of how good the troubled relationship really is? Do you avoid friends or the discussion of the your relationship with others?

Do you feel that you are tolerating treatment that compromises your integrity? Are you under pressure to always be in agreement with everyone ("The Urge to Merge")? Are your differences in perspective or convictions always defined as sinful when they don't conform the desired standard, even if they are not issues of morality but merely reflect personal preference?

Is everything that happens in the relationship interpreted as all your doing while everyone else seems free of responsibility for the cause or source of conflict or problems?

Is it unthinkable to consider that he is unreasonable and impossible to please as opposed absorbing all of the blame for conflict?

Do you try to convince yourself that you are unaffected or should not be affected by another person's behavior under the guise of automatic forgiveness and unconditional love?

Primed by Parents for Future Exploitation and Abuse

2011-12-03T01:40:00.000-08:00

The Power of Fantasy

Many of us remain in difficult relationships because of the fantasies we have about our gaslighters and about ourselves. . . And when it comes to families, our fantasies are especially powerful.

Many of us have intense feelings about the parents or siblings who have known us from early days, seeing them as people we owe everything to, should be able to depend on, or can be especially close to.

Even after we grow up and move out, we may feel lost because we've left them but not the fantasy. . .

The roots of this effort reach back to childhood. Parents who are disappointing and unreliable put their children in an emotional corner. To face the truth about them -- that they sometimes behaved like self-absorbed children -- would be overwhelming.

What two-year old, four-year old, or even twelve year old can bear to realize that her mommy can't protect her, that her daddy might not come through? How terrifying to be a child with unreliable, unloving parents. We know we're not old enough or strong enough to take care of ourselves, so if they won't do it who will? And if even Mommy or Daddy won't love us, we must be so unworthy and unlovable that no one else will.

So instead of seeing things with such terrible clarity -- instead of realizing that our parents can't take care of us or love us the way we'd like because of their own limits -- we begin to blame ourselves. ("It must be my fault"), just as we'll later do with our gaslighter.

But we don't stop there. We make up fantasies to compensate for the reality of neglect and disappointment, fantasies that seem to give us more control. If we are strong enough and powerful enough, maybe it won't matter that our parents can't come through for us -- we can take care of them instead. . .

We try to see ourselves as strong, tolerant, understanding, forgiving -- anything to make our parents' failings irrelevant.

Excerpts from the Kindle Edition of

Robin Stern's

The Gaslight Effect:

How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control your Life

Crown Archetype, 2007

Dr. Robin Stern's States of Gaslighting

2011-11-28T01:27:00.000-08:00

Stage 1: Disbelief

Your "gaslighter" says something unbelievable and outrageous, and you think you must have misunderstood what was really said. You seek the gasligher's approval, but you are not very desperate to win their agreement. You let the matter in question go without investing much effort in self-defense.

State 2: Defense

You become obsessed with self-defense and argue with your gaslighter to prove that they are in error and that your assessment is accurate. You make a grand attempt to gain your gaslighter's acceptance and good opinion of you. Consequently, they demand that you admit that their assessment of facts is correct, generally insuinuating that you should feel ashamed for being detached from reality and unreasonable.

This demanding behavior may be hard to put into perspective, because the gaslighter can also be paradoxically tender and warm, and it makes their confusing behavior more difficult to put into perspective. (Similar behavior can be seen in domestic abuse. The abuser can act out and then compensate by swinging to a drastically different approach, one that seems inconsistent.

They generally swing from intense anger into exceptionally tender and kind behavior, provoking guilt in the abused because the two vastly different responses seem so very incompatible in a way that cannot be easily explained.)

There is generally some benefit, reward, or "bait" offered to keep you hooked into the relationship. The gaslighter may also be obsessed with proving that they are the "nice guy," by attributing all fault and blame to you (even if it's not appropriate to lay blame on anyone).

The author states:

"Being gaslighted by someone whom you've trusted for years can be even more debilitating than entering into a gaslighting relationship from the start. Because your trust has a solid foundation, it's all the more bewildering when you find yourself being badly treated -- and you may be even more likely to blame yourself. How could the problem be with him? It must be with you."

Stage 3: Depression

Becoming confused in self doubt, you start to consider and perhaps prove that the gaslighter is right, as this is clearly the only way to finally gain their agreement and approval. You become so hopeless, numb and fatigued that it is easier to agree with the person than it is to keep advocating for your own point of view. When you give in and begin to agree with the projections of the gaslighter, they become much kinder and easier to deal with. This pleasant reaction becomes your reward for selling out your perspective.

From Chapter 5:

"To me, the worst aspect of Stage 3 is the hopelessness. Like all gaslightees, you have idealized your gaslighter and wish desperately for his approval. But by Stage 3, you've pretty much given up on believing that you'll ever get it. As a result, you think the worst of yourself."

Excerpts from the Kindle Edition of

Robin Stern's

The Gaslight Effect:

How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control your Life

Crown Archetype, 2007

Gaslighting and the Profound Power of Denial Mixed With Overt Parental Control

2011-11-22T01:00:00.001-08:00

The term "gaslighting" derives from the British film (and the play that preceded it) that was remade in the US in 1944 staring Ingrid Bergman. The husband in Gaslight wants to convince his already neurotic and previously traumatized wife that she is insane, so he sets up situations that convince her that she's literally lost touch with reality.

The term came to represent the behavior wherein one person challenges the perceptions and memory of another, though in dysfunctional families, it's not as malicious as portrayed in the old film.

As part of the disease of extreme denial, a controlling parent often believes their own press. As many adult children of dysfunctional homes will tell you, "That never happened!" or some variation of it was a phrase they heard regularly.

Within dysfunctional families, denial exerts a powerful force that drives abusive family members to force their version of reality upon others. By withdrawing love and affection or by instituting punishment for those who do not accept, agree, and comply with the fantasy, it becomes much easier for everyone else in the home to just agree and enable the gaslighting. Might makes right, and it may be an automatic way of coping for the parent, not a willful choice to be deceptive.

Not only must children of Botkin Syndrome Families forfeit their rights and their wills to their parents, quite often, they must also forfeit their ability to perceive reality. Truth must become what the parent says that truth is, one of the ways that the religious addiction of the parent affects children. Can you imagine the tremendous sense of confusion, stress, and anxiety that this creates for a young child? They grow up believing that they can't even be sure of what they've experienced or what goes on around them. The become pre-groomed for manipulation and exploitation through bounded choice. They can effectively "test reality" (the technical term), but they're never permitted to trust it until their perception of reality has been approved by the parent.

I cannot recall if this appears in Hillary McFarland's book, Quivering Daughters, or whether I read it in an early edition of the book publication. The personal account left a profound impression on me. As I recall, a young woman wrote to Hillary, explaining how her mother had to be right at all costs. If a mistake had been made or if something was forgotten by the mother, this daughter was required to falsely admit to the mistake, or there would be chaos and great turmoil in the home. The daughter may have been punished directly if she didn't claim responsibility for her mother's error, usually something of little importance such as failing to put something away. Essentially, the daughter had to lie by owning up to an error that she knows that she did not make in order to preserve her mother's sense of well being which was too heavily dependent on performance. It was not just a rare event but was a very disturbing chronic problem and a duty that this woman learned as a very young girl.

This is gaslighting.

At one point in the Bergman version of the film, the husband character named "Gregory" places his mother's broach in his new wife's handbag, and they leave for an outing of sightseeing. "Paula," his wife, is the protagonist in the film. The staff, the personal maids and housekeepers, also note that the wife looks healthy and fine (and she is!), though they note that the husband keeps telling others that she is ill and forgetful (though she is not!). Note what happens in the next scene after Gregory slips the broach into Paula's purse. Though Paula has done nothing wrong, her husband reinforces the idea that she is forgetful and is automatically at fault for losing the broach. He seems very helpful and supportive, but he is actually trying to convince her that she is in error by distorting things and projecting false assessments ("you're tired, you're so forgetful," you lost the broach...").

Eventually, the husband begins to isolate his wife, and he steps up the pressure that he places upon her, continuing to more strongly challenge her ability to perceive what is real and what she has done. He willfully creates situations that cause Paula to doubt herself, then uses social pressure and embarrassment in front of others to gain her compliance. "You're far to ill to go to the theater!" "How did the painting get there? The maid didn't move it! You'd better go to your room." (This reminds me of a tactic that I'm told Scott Brown of the NCFIC uses by saying to people quite flatly and authoritatively, "You are confused," to gain control of conversations when his opinion is challenged.) Slowly and systematically, Gregory tries to convince his wife that she's insane, his attempt to drive her out of her mind with doubt, anxiety, and direct fear.

The protagonist, Paula, is befriended by Joseph Cotten's character who validates her perceptions, encouraging her to believe in herself. Without this kind of input, people like Paula often agree with the deception used against them, making such encouragement vital to surviving gaslighting behavior. Paula begins to trust herself all the more when she observes paranoia in Gregory. In one scene, he frantically asks Paula, "Why did you open my desk?" She eventually stands up to Gregory, encouraged by the objective evidence also witnessed by Joseph Cotten's character, giving the film and the behavior its name. The house is lit throughout by gas light fixtures, and when Gregory goes into the supposedly barricaded attic, Paula sees the flame of the gas fed sconces on the wall begin to flicker and dim.

Check back again in a few days

for more ideas about gaslighting and how to resist it.

What Are the Effects of Child Neglect?

2011-11-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

Some Child Neglect Facts

from the Child Abuse Effects website

  Many neglected children feel unworthy to interact with peers, may isolate themselves and may encounter peer rejection (Lowenthal, 1996, p. 22¹).

  Among the different groups of maltreated students, child neglect was associated with the poorest academic achievement (Lowenthal, 1996, p. 22²).

  More children die from neglect than from abuse (Mosher, 1994³).

  Child neglect was a significant factor in 74 of 100 deaths of children in Ontario from January, 1994 to December, 1995 (Gadd, 1997, A2⁴).

  The significance of child neglect should come as no surprise, given that a lack of parental care and nurturance--hallmarks of child neglect--poses one of the greatest threats to children's healthy growth and well-being (Rutter & Stroufe, 2000⁵; Sameroff, 2000⁶).

The Revived Altar of Molech and Eternal Seeking of Parental Approval

2011-11-20T11:37:00.000-08:00

Sacrificing Children to Molech

The tradition of sacrificing children is deeply rooted in most cultures and religions. For this reason it is also tolerated, and indeed commended, in our western civilization.

Naturally we no longer sacrifice our sons and daughters on the altar of God, as in the biblical story of Abraham and Isaac. But at birth and throughout their later upbringing, we instill in them the necessity to love, honor, and respect us, to do their best for us, to satisfy our ambitions -- in short, to give us everything our parents denied us.

We call this decency and morality.

Children rarely have any choice in the matter. All their lives, they will force themselves to offer their parents something that they neither possess nor have knowledge of, quite simply because they have never been given it: genuine unconditional love that does not merely serve to gratify the needs of the recipient.

Yet they still continue to strive in this direction because even as adults they still believe that they need their parents and because, despite all the disappointments they have experienced, they still hope for some token of genuine affection from those parents.

Excerpt from pp 37-38
Alice Miller
The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting
WW Norton, New York, NY (2004)

The Long Term Costs of Abuse

2011-11-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

Health Effects of Child Abuse Continue for Decades

A long-term study of more than 3,000 middle-aged women discovers women abused as children spend up to one-third more than average in health-care costs.

“What’s remarkable is that women with an average age in their late 40s still suffer consequences from abuse that occurred decades ago,” said Amy Bonomi, associate professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University, who led the study at Group Health in Seattle.

“No other study has found that before.”

Women who had no history of abuse spent an average of $2,413 a year (in 2004 dollars) on health care costs. Women who were sexually abused only paid an average of $382 a year more, those who were physically abused spent $502 more, and women who suffered both types of abuse spent $790 a year in additional health care costs.

Read the full article HERE.

National Instittute of Mental Health Connects Childhood Maltreatment with Long Term Health Problems In Adults

2010-08-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

Back in February, I completed my contribution to Hillary McFarland's book, "Quivering Daughters," a section that became the "Afterword" which addressed physical health problems that arise from the consequences of how children are treated when they are young.

In this previous post on Under Much Grace, I noted that research had started to confirm that cortisol and the investigation of heart rate variability in PTSD suggested strongly that physical health and emotional health were more strongly connected than previously suspected. By the time I worked on the material for "Quivering Daughters," several new strong research studies connected both physical and verbal/emotional abuse to several specific health problems in adulthood

I wish that NIMH had released this statement so that I could have included this material in Hillary's book, and it is something that parents and adult children should both consider.

It's well known that early life experiences can affect a child's cognitive, emotional, and behavioral development. A recent study funded by NIMH takes this link one step further showing that negative childhood experiences, such as abuse or neglect, can affect a person's physical health as well. Published in the February 24, 2009, issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the study suggests a history of child abuse or neglect can lower a person's overall immunity and ability to manage stress, and that this effect may be long-lasting.. (Read more.)

Visit the Quivering Daughters Blog and find *hope* and *healing*. Read Chapter One HERE.

Connections Between Illness and Discipline in Childhood

2010-08-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

"A research team in San Diego in the 1990s asked a total of 17,000 people, with an average age of fifty-seven, what their childhood was like and what illness they had suffered in the course of their lives.

The study revealed that the incidence of severe illnesses was many times higher in people who had been abused in their child than in people who had grown up free of such abuse and had never been exposed to beatings meted out to them "for their own good." the latter had had no illnesses to speak of in their later lives.

The title of this brief article was "Turning Gold into Lead." The author [Dr. Vincent J Felitti] who sent me [Alice Miller] this article, commented that these findings are unambiguous and highly eloquent, but at the same time covert and hidden.

Why hidden? The reason is that they cannot be published without leveling accusations at the parents."

Excerpt from (pp 29 -30)
Alice Miller
The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting
WW Norton, New York, NY (2004)

From the article
"The Relation Between

Adverse Childhood Experiences
and Adult Health:
Turning Gold into Lead"
by Vincent J Felitti, MD:

"The ACE Study reveals a powerful relation between our emotional experiences as children and our adult emotional health, physical health, and major causes of mortality in the United States.

Moreover, the time factors in the study make it clear that time does not heal some of the adverse experiences we found so common in the childhoods of a large population of middle-aged, middle-class Americans.

One doesn’t “just get over” some things."

Fear Mixed with Dutiful Obedience ~ An Unsatisfying Counterfeit for Trust and Love

2010-08-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

[Many people] cannot love and honor their parents because unconsciously they still fear them.

However much they may want to, they cannot build up a relaxed and trusting relationship.

Instead, what usually materializes is a pathological attachment, a mixture of fear and dutiful obedience. . .

Individuals who believe that they feel what they ought to feel and constantly do their best not to feel what they forbid themselves to feel ultimately fall ill --
unless, that is, they leave it to their children to pick up the check by projecting onto them the emotions they cannot admit to themselves.

Preface, pgs. 14-15

Excerpt from
Alice Miller
The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting
WW Norton, New York, NY (2004)

Hidden In the Heart of the Adult Child

2010-08-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

In every adult who has suffered abuse as a child lies dormant that small child's fear of punishment at the hands of the parents if he or she should dare to rebel against their behavior. But it will lie dormant only as long as that fear remains unconscious. Once consciously experienced, it will dissolve in the course of time.

(Pg 27)

Excerpt from
Alice Miller
The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting
WW Norton, New York, NY (2004)

Processing Emotional Pain Brings Relief to the Body

2010-08-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

From Alice Miller's

"The Body Never Lies":

Children have no choice. They must repress their true feelings if they have no "helping witness" to turn to and are helplessly exposed to their persecutors.

Later, as adults lucky enough to encounter an "enlightened witness," they do have a choice. Then they can admit the truth, they can stop pitying and "understanding" their persecutors, stop trying to feel their unsustainable, dissociated emotions, and roundly denounce the things that have been done to them.

This step brings immense relief for the body. It no longer has to forcibly remind the adult self of the tragic history it went through as a child. Once the adult self has decided to find out the whole truth about itself, the body feels understood, respected, and protected. (pg 27)

Excerpt from
Alice Miller
The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting
WW Norton, New York, NY (2004)

One of Many Motivations for Resorting to Manipulation

2010-08-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

From Alice Miller's

"The Body Never Lies":

These patterns of childhood will inevitably then be adopted by their victims and used on their partners and their own children, at work, in politics, wherever the fear and anxiety of the profoundly insecure child can be fended off with the aid of external power. It is in this way that dictators are born; these are people with a deep-seated contempt for everyone else, people who were never respected as children and thus do their utmost to earn that respect at a later stage with the assistance of the gigantic power they have built up around them. (pg 28)

Excerpt from
Alice Miller
The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting
WW Norton, New York, NY (2004)

Who's Pulling Your Strings: A Must Read Book!

2010-08-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

A bit about Dr. Harriet Braiker's fine book, "Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life."

What I love about this book:
It condenses and encapsulates the best and most practical aspects of many books about communication and self-confidence, all without having to read 7 - 10 books on separate topics related to manipulation. If you find a particular aspect of manipulation comes up for you as you work through the book, it can be a great guide to point you in the direction for further study. But if you're in a place in life and you need just the short version, it's a great book.

Braiker presents lists of questions related to particular traits and weak points that easily manipulated people tend to demonstrate. In Chapter 13 entitled "How to Make Yourself a Hardened Target" (echoing details and groundwork presented in previous chapters in the book), the author lists several questions and several solutions to weak thinking that sets a person up for failure and manipulation. Two sections in this chapter explore in greater depth the problems associated with Locus of Control, a topic recently explored here on this blog.

Read several excerpts from the book (in the form of several blog posts) HERE at UnderMuchGrace.com.

How to get the book:

I cannot recommend this book highly enough, and though it is worth buying (mine is delightfully covered with my own notes and highlights), you can now download it for free! The download seems to be designed for a particular e-book software, but I was able to read the book in Adobe without any problems.

Order it from Amazon.com.

Enjoy, and I hope the book changes your life in the best of ways.

Thoughts About Therapy

2010-06-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

From Alice Miller's

"The Body Never Lies":

[W]e can give ourselves the attention, respect, the understanding for our emotions, the sorely needed protection, and the unconditional love that our parents withheld from us. . .

If we want to achieve this assistance from a therapist who can accept us for what we are, who can give us the protection, respect, sympathy, and understanding we need in order to realize how we have become what we are. . .

We need such a companion -- what I have called an "enlightened witness" -- if we ourselves are to act as companions for the child within, if we are to understand its "body language," to engage with its needs instead of ignoring them. . .

In that process one can shed one's symptoms, free oneself of depression, regain joy in life, break out of the state of constant exhaustion, and experience a resurgence of energy, once that energy is no longer required for the repression of one's own truth.

The point is that the fatigue characteristic of such depression reasserts itself every time we repress strong emotions, play down the memories stored in the body, and refuse them the attention they clamor for.

Excerpt from
Alice Miller
The Body Never Lies:

The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting
WW Norton, New York, NY (2004)

The Quivering Daughters Book is Now Available For Order!

2010-06-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been waiting for Hillary's book, it is now available for order through both Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Currently, Barnes and Noble has the best price, but Amazon also offers the book as well, and the selling prices seem to fluctuate for some unknown reason. ??? Both sites offer free shipping for orders over $25, so why not order two books?

I still haven't seen an actual copy of the book yet, but it is somewhere there in cyberland, making its way to me.

In about a month, I want to host some kind of event at UnderMuchGrace.com, giving away a few copies. I'll have to think of some creative way to figure out who gets a freebie.

Communicating with Narcissistic People: Avoid Direct Conflict!

2010-06-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

As noted in previous posts, communicating with people who have traits of narcissism (those who suffer from certain personality disorders and often people in patriarchy) proves to be a difficult task. Narcissists feel very threatened whenever criticized in any way, and they have difficulties understanding how other people feel. Communicating with a narcissist can feel like a futile task, and they can be quite demeaning and angry in a conflict because they feel so threatened and fearful inside. And they go to great lengths to obscure and conceal these feelings from themselves and others.

In addition to the major considerations of the childlike nature of narcissism and the helpfulness of a strong internal locus of control, those who wish to effectively communicate with a narcissist must realize that direct confrontation rarely ever works! Confrontation triggers a survival response in the narcissist, and their anger will rapidly escalate. Potentially stressful topics must be approached indirectly.

Twenty years ago, I read in a Minerth Meier book that confronting an emotionally sensitive person who operates out of denial is much like dealing with a snake. In the book, the author asked why people rarely see snakes and promptly explained that snakes will hurry to slither out of the way as a means of survival. They hide and avoid all conflict. When they are cornered and have no means of escape, a snake will take a defensive posture and will defend themselves aggressively. They are definitely not assertive creatures.

I also had a professor who kept snakes, and he explained to me that they are very intelligent. They never go anywhere unless they have a plan of escape. They also do not make direct eye contact with one another, and looking at a snake from a head-on approach will provoke very defensive behavior. Snakes only make direct eye contact with prey, right as they get ready to strike and feed. They only like direct eye contact when they are in complete control and dominant.

This is a good analogy to keep in mind regarding the approach that should be taken with a narcissist. Another good analogy is that of a cornered, wounded wild animal. They are very hurt and frightened, and they do not trust human beings, even when we intend to help them. The do not understand anything except their consuming experience of fear, pain, and escape. Narcissists behave the way that they do in open and direct conflict for these same reasons. They strike when they get cornered and they bite when they feel terrified.

Focus on the Family offers a downloadable profile (LINK HERE) which discusses aspects of narcissism, giving helpful ideas about how to deal with someone with narcissism and how to discourage the trait in children. (Note: The statistics included in the article are quite dated, and they do not reflect newer research currently available.) The profile refers to Townsend and Cloud’s ideas about boundaries, the limits that you set for what you are willing to do in a relationship and what you will allow others to do for you. Stating boundaries as our desires for what we would like to see in a relationship set the standard for others, and we must defend those boundaries by following through with consequences when someone crosses our boundaries. (An undefended boundary is just a nice idea and is really no boundary at all.) Boundaries flow from a strong and internal locus of control, also something that the FOTF article discusses. It also notes that an indirect approach is essential for effective communication with a narcissist.

Randi Kreger, an author who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder, recently wrote about narcissism on her blog. She recently featured author Bill Eddy’s writings on narcissism there, noting a section from his book on dealing with difficult people. Eddy also has a book about how to best go about divorcing a narcissist. In his book, “It's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything,” he offers these and other helpful hints (which are reviewed in greater depth in the original post):

Find their strengths and regularly compliment them.
Prepare to set limits.
Resist the urge to “put them down.”
Don’t withhold your empathy, attention, and respect.
Keep a comfortable distance.
Don’t feel like you have to listen too long.
Use indirect reasons for changing behavior.
Explain the possible negative consequences of certain behavior.

Read the entire post HERE, and visit an entire blog dedicated to The Narcissism Epidemic for even more information on this subject of narcissism and NPD.

If you struggle to communicate effectively with the narcissist in your life, I hope that you will explore all of these resources more fully, finding new strategies so that you can build new bridges of trust with them.

Breaking Free of Victim Mentality: Narcissism, Patriarchy, and the Locus of Control

2010-06-03T21:22:00.001-07:00

Part of the problem with patriarchy involves the idea that by living a certain way, that behavior will have a controlling effect on other people. If the wife behaves properly, her husband will become more “godly,” and this will not only give her the kind of husband she wants but will provide her with self-worth and identity. Much of the book by the Botkin Sisters, “So Much More,” promotes this idea, suggesting that men can’t be the men God wants them to be without intervention on behalf the women in their lives. Women need to prop up their men, be they daughters or wives, but this idea sells so well in the book because the mindset and theology strip women of much independent identity, authority, and worth. Everyone needs to feel significant and valued, and patriarchy encourages followers to find these things in performance, outcome, and outward appearance. I suppose this system works well for people who are very physically healthy and are enjoying pleasant seasons in life. Things work well during fair weather.

On a more basic level, these beliefs suggest that we can have control over events in our lives if we follow “THE” formula, and assumption that life tends to be fair (if you do all of the right things). Life is even more “fair” for those who are elite among the elect like the leaders and model citizens. Under patriarchy, following a particular “law” yields particular results when those results have been properly merited, especially concerning spiritual things according to patriarchy’s mindset. I recently spoke with a wife whose husband has a problem with a particular sin. She admitted that she became involved with patriarchy because she believed that it would somehow make him stop engaging in this sin. Her husband didn’t like the ideology, as many men don’t at first, but he definitely enjoyed the benefits that came with his dutiful wife’s submission after awhile. Soon, he felt entitled to those benefits, just as he felt entitled to his particular sin. Ahhhh. There is that “entitlement” word again.

We can certainly derive good feelings of satisfaction from our accomplishments and our good character, but this poses a problem if positive outcomes serve as our only source of worth and stability. If we get a bad outcome, we loose almost everything. Wise and responsible choices can produce very good outcomes, but many people who often do all of the right things for all of the right reasons can experience very negative circumstances because life is not fair. Several examples in Scripture remind me of this, including James 1 which says that the double-minded man is unstable, as his thoughts will allow him to be pulled around by his circumstances. I think of Paul’s statement that we walk by faith and not by sight, or Hebrews “Hall of Faith,” which lists great examples of people who believed God in spite of not receiving or possessing that for which they desired and believed. The wise man who built his house upon a rock did not suffer loss when the storms came, just as the man who finds his security from within himself based upon faith in Christ. As foolish man builds his house upon the sand which is quickly destroyed when the storms of life come, those who look to circumstances, other fallible human beings, and their own abilities will find that these things will also disappoint and fail them.

In the mid 1950s, researchers who were investigating personality described this sense of peace and stability as what called the “locus of control.” People who have a realistic belief and understanding regarding what they can legitimately control and what is beyond their control are much more optimistic and have less depression and anxiety. Their stability comes from faith and optimism about who they are inside, not from circumstances or how others feel about them because those things can change.

In terms of the narcissist themselves, their internal emptiness and insecurity causes them to look outside of themselves for reasons to feel good about themselves. They crave attention and power like an addict craves a drug, and they look to these outward things to fill their emptiness and to compensate for their powerlessness. They avoid direct conflict, because direct and assertive conflict puts them into touch with their powerlessness, almost making them feel deprived of what they need to survive emotionally. Like a small child who cannot get their way, the narcissist can feel injured quite easily when circumstances do not provide for their needs. It really is a very sad way to live, because everything depends on outcome. For this reason, narcissists are generally very perfectionistic, because they learn to believe quite quickly that good performance brings lots of benefits. On the days when everything that can go wrong does go wrong, they are left with great internal emotional distress.

One of the very best things that you can do to help yourself cope with a narcissist involved the bolstering up of your own locus of control. No one can control other people, and even God does not cause us to be controlled by the Spirit. We yield to the Holy Spirit and must make continual choices to follow the Spirit. So the healthiest way to preserve yourself when dealing with a narcissist involves taking control of yourself by focusing on your own behavior. Let God deal with the other person, and trust Him to direct the outcomes, no matter what they are. Harriet Braiker’s book, “Who’s Pulling Your Strings?” offers ideas about how to make yourself into a “hardened target,” by “cleaning the bugs in your mental computer” including ideas about how to develop a stronger internal locus of control. She suggests recording your weak target and automatic thoughts in a daily journal (thoughts that Dr. James Dobson used to call “tapes” or automatic sound byte recordings from childhood that play in your head), then work on replacing them with true ideas. This is also the same process that the Christian author, Chris Thurman, teaches in his book, “The Lies We Believe.”

Braiker says that, “If you adopt a generalized view of life that what happens to you is far more in the control of other people than in your own, you can pretty much expect lifelong victim status in manipulative relationships. It stands to reason that if you believe that other people are supposed to be in control of what happens to you, they will be” (pg. 232). If this is the case, then patriarchy creates victims by teaching women and children that they have drastically limited rights and personal power. They also do so through teaching that spiritual merit and power comes through compliance with formulas, focusing on the outward signs of faith instead of the pursuit of faith and the work of the Spirit. We have no guarantees of a charmed life when we become Christians, and our faith will be tried and proven by our circumstances, a process that James Chapter 1 says works both patience and perfection into us. Some individuals do all the right things and experience lousy circumstances, and God uses very different circumstances to take us where He wants us to be. Yet patriarchy criticizes, judges, ostracizes, and sometimes shuns those who fail to demonstrate the outward signs of success in the paradigm, despite inward faith and belief.

One corrected “hard target thought” related to locus of control that Braiker offers explains that,

Instead of focusing on what I cannot change or control, I am going to put my effort into things that I can control. Believing that I am helpless makes me feel powerless and depressed. Believing that I can make my own life better – in big and small ways – is motivating and positive (pg. 234).

The chapter of Braiker’s book includes other core areas that also overlap and bolster locus of control, and working on building strength in all of them will help a person stand strong when trying to communicate effectively with a narcissist. Developing a strong locus of control from the inside by knowing who we are and believing in our own strength (which comes from who we are in Christ for Believers) proves to be the most important means of resisting manipulation. It also helps those who are family members of narcissists, giving them wisdom to be able to see their loved ones in a more compassionate light.

Check back soon for at least one more post about communicating effectively with narcissists….

Understanding the Narcissist: More Features that Botkin Style Patriarchy Shares with Personality Disorders

2010-06-02T14:06:00.000-07:00

In the previous posts, I presented some similarities that borderline personalities share with abusive patriarchy, and I only alluded briefly to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Everyone has healthy self-interest, and some of us have more of a problem balancing that healthy self-interest with interest and empathy for others. Young people are narcissistic, and because of how we are constructed as human beings, we do start out with awareness of ourselves. As we grow and as life “puts us in our place,” we quite naturally grow out of our own extreme of self-interest because of perspective and into a balance with responsible and kind care for the interests of others. NPD, like all other personality disorders, emerges as a stable personality pattern in mature adults that is to enough of an extreme that it creates significant problems for affected person in their both their personal relationships and in their own emotional and thought life. Though we all can be narcissistic from time to time as a function of our personality, those with NPD have a consistent (or stable) problem with the core elements of the diagnosis.

Patriarchy and NPD: A Matter of Extremes

In a way, NPD is “too much of a good thing.” This is something that is very true of patriarchy: It starts with very desirable and good things, and it takes those good things too far with too much zeal and ambition, and soon the end justifies the means. Perhaps that is something that makes patriarchy so misunderstood. It starts from a very good place with very good intentions, but it is not balanced and it does seek intensity and drama. We live in a world that has serious problems, and it can be so appealing to go out and sacrifice everything to make a difference, setting the world on fire with passion for the things that should matter most and changing it for the better. My college days and shortly thereafter were full of these kinds of social efforts from “Hands Across America,” to “Live Aid,” and into later Christian causes like “Operation Rescue.” Those things can be very exciting and rewarding, but most people cannot achieve that “high” on a regular basis. Much of life is about the matters of “every day” life which are not so exciting, and I see patriarchy, among other things, appealing to the desire for excitement and significance by celebrating the every day things. I think it goes off track because at some point, the creature concerns replaced the Creator as a focus, and elements of daily living became sacraments. Gender became a sacrament that imparts holiness and spiritual merit, for example. I think that this is something that NPD and patriarchy share in common in that they make too much of a good thing. It lacks balance in its means and in its kind respect and consideration for others who differ from them.

What is NPD?

If you read the posts about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you likely already understand much about NPD. I have heard others refer to NPD without the memory problems and other hallmark behaviors that are unique to BPD because both disorders share the same core problems. In a most basic sense, narcissists with NPD display exaggerated self-interest because they are compensating for fear and high sensitivity to criticism. This exaggeration is a means of coping with and resisting the disturbing emotions that they feel deep inside, emotions that they deny feeling, even to themselves. Some of the hallmark features of NPD include personal grandiosity, an excessive need for admiration/attention, a sense of entitlement, and a diminished capacity for empathy. When a person with NPD feels threatened or becomes uncomfortably aware of their internal sense of shame and inferiority, they behave in a number of predictable ways which creates problems for those with whom they interact.

On a practical level, narcissists create a great deal of drama in relationships, and they manipulate others to get attention and affirmation. Because of their diminished capacity for empathy (those areas of their brains do not work well), they use other people like objects that are provided for their use. The “Golden Rule” does not come naturally or at all to the narcissist because they are preoccupied with their own survival and emotional distress than they are with the experience of others. It is difficult to work with a narcissist, because empathy is seen as a matter of the will. The non-compliant narcissist can be seen as merely willful and lacking integrity, but they cannot easily correct their perspective. (I believe that much of it is physiologic, based on new advances in the study of the brain. Dr. Daniel Amen refers to this as the “hardware of the soul.” A software program [e.g., good training, Bible Study, good morals] cannot work properly if the hard drive is broken through a stroke or another disease, one of which is NPD.) Because of the nature of the problem, the narcissist has little motivation to change their behavior. They are, by nature, not interested in balancing power and respect in relationships, so they have difficult setbacks to overcome in order to mature beyond their tendencies with little if any motivation to work toward change.

Another consequence of diminished empathy involves what is thought to be an impaired ability to observe or notice the emotional responses of other people, something that adds to their impaired ability to understand the emotions of others. This is also a feature of many disorders “in the autistic spectrum” of diagnoses such as Attention Deficit Disorder. Just as research continues to show in people with BPD, those with NPD also have very limited faculties when it comes to comprehending how other people feel. The areas of the brain that govern some of these functions are small and atrophied, and functional studies such as SPECT and f PET diagnostic testing show that these brain areas do not show the same levels of activity when their findings are compared with the normal population. (Plasticity of the brain – the ability of the brain to adapt through rewiring and growth through behavioral and cognitive change – does offer great hope for recovery, but the mindset of the disorder itself does not give the affected person much motivation to change at all. The brain does not have to stay in its original condition, but it is difficult to get the narcissist to make the first step toward healing because they deny that they have a problem that needs healing. That is a feature of the disorder.)

More practical information discussing the traits of a narcissist with NPD:

Living with a Narcissist (Coping as an Adult Child of Narcissistic Patriarchy)

If you are a child or partner of someone with NPD, you will find them unable to handle any kind of criticism, resorting to demeaning tactics and intense anger when they feel threatened (though they will never let you see that they feel threatened because of their grandiosity). They NEVER admit to wrongdoing, and when consequences force them to realize that they have failed to be perfect, they will become even more dramatic, emotional, and aggressive. Life is all about blaming other people for their shortcomings, because they are really just terrified inside. Like playground bullies, they don’t take well to open confrontation. Direct confrontation usually becomes explosive, as the narcissist prefers to be passive-aggressive because they actually fear confrontation. That makes them hard to understand, because on the exterior, they seem to seek out conflict and aggression. Considering their inner experience of helplessness and fear seems oxymoronic (if not impossible) when you are on the receiving end of their wrath and if you believe their exaggerated perceptions of themselves.

Narcissists also demonstrate an emotional aloofness, and they can come across as cold and exacting. They are not in touch with their real emotions. (Their inner world is a war effort against true feelings and a desperate flight from emotional discomfort.) Their flattened emotions concerning some matters manifests as a function of their flattened empathy. Trying to negotiate a healthy relationship with a narcissist is very difficult because they do not listen to others (and cannot listen to some extent). Conflicts are usually seen as all-or-nothing challenges wherein there is an absolute victor and a shamed loser. They tend not to comprehend “win-win” situations wherein both parties in a conflict can arrive at mutually equitable solutions or agreements. Every game is a zero-sum game. If they perceive that their opponent in a conflict has any sense or position of personal power, because of their fragile sense of self inside, they believe that they have no power. Power, truth, happiness, and things like fulfillment seem like “finite resources” to them. In their minds, there isn’t enough power to go around for everyone.

Narcissists feel that they always must be the winner for these stated reasons. If they cannot win, they tend to completely remove themselves from the relationship because their internal discomfort is so great. They would rather avoid the terrible discomfort of losing or the reminders of past loss by completely avoiding people with whom they are forced to share a balanced sense of power and worth. Narcissists don’t share these things. In terms of patriarchy, this behavior and response manifest frequently. Patriarchy isolates families from venues wherein they are not in control, and those outside of their system are demeaned and devalued. Because those in patriarchy are special and have a corner on truth, they can rationalize their isolation, thus avoiding the work of interacting with others who compete with them, particularly in terms of ideology. (Oh, those evil Marxists and secular humanists…) Some of this involves a fear of “contamination” as Vision Forum’s Kevin Swanson puts it, but a great deal of it involves a “refusal to play” when they know that their group cannot “win the game.” Refusal to cooperate or even make the effort shields them from the annihilating pain and rage that they face inside when they loose. Patriarchal families also use this as a means of coping when their children reject their belief system through the practice of shunning.

Another aspect of NPD that can be seen in patriarchy is the tendency to take too much pride and credit for the accomplishments of their children, another behavior and attitude that reduces family members into objects, merely things that exist for their use. Their sense of grandiosity gives them the idea that they are of higher worth and status than all others, even their children in a functional sense. (They likely have ideals that attribute great worth and laud to their children in theory, but as the captors of their own internal personal pain, their habits and behavior functionally bear out a sense of superiority over their children which objectifies them.) This sense goes hand-in-hand with the narcissist’s tendency to control and manipulate their children in ways that benefit their own interests as opposed to behaving in a way that preserves the best interest of their children. They medicate their own sense of low personal worth with their children’s lives and success, and this temporarily fills their sense of internal emptiness. They can also become pre-occupied with money and the social status that comes with wealth, and this can also be projected on to children.

All that makes for a great deal of difficulty, because any suggestion to a person affected by NPD results in drama and desperate self-defensiveness on their part. They become like a drowning man who is reaching out to grab onto anyone or anything to stay afloat emotionally. Professionals who are trained in the best ways to handle narcissists struggle in their efforts to help their narcissistic clients, so it is no wonder that loved ones and family members also struggle! Rewarding and intimate relationships require negotiation and common respect, and the narcissist does not have the tools to be able to accomplish these ends.

But take courage! In an upcoming post, I will point you to some approaches and tactics that will help you communicate better with the narcissist in your life in a way that they can best hear your perspective without triggering their defenses.

How Enmeshed Families Affected by Both Patriarchy and Personality Disorders Can Benefit from the Literature Concerning the Concentration Camp Survivor

2010-06-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

More About Borderline Parenting Styles

The previous post discusses the primary characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how it affects the children of those affected by the disorder (abbreviated as “BP” which stands for “borderline person”). In “Understanding the Borderline Mother,” Christine Lawson presents four different “character profiles” of affected mothers, one of which she names the “Witch Mother.” Please note that BPD can affect both men and women, and in terms of how the example of BPD relates to patriarchy, it should be noted that the father can be substituted wherever “mother” appears in these posts to make it even more applicable.

Note: [Bracketed terms] in any excerpts were adapted and added by this blog host for the ease of the reader of this post in order to abbreviate the terminology which was explained in the context of the book (in terms of character subtypes) but is beyond the scope of this post.

BPs that Lawson identifies as the “Witch” variety wrestle with annihilating rage, and this kind of BP mother believes deeply that she is evil and must compensate for an inadequate sense of self. When she feels threatened, she becomes predatory and demands submission as a means of medicating her own emotional state at the expense of her children. She often singles out one of her children as the receptacle for her self-hatred, though she may show this side of herself to all of them. The message she communicates to her children is that “Life is war.” This is also the rarest of the subtypes Lawson describes, and quite often, this type of mother tends to hide within another BP persona or apparent competence until something triggers the predator within (pg 38).

Borderline mothers can be difficult to recognize (pg 38) because BPs:

Seem normal to casual acquaintances
Have unique symptom clusters
Are different with different people, including their own children
Have different external or public personalities
Function well in structured environments and specific roles

More Similarities Between Behaviors in Botkin Syndrome and BPD Parenting Styles

Parents who follow Botkin-style patriarchy sometimes manifest these same traits or variations of them, and in the previous post, I explore several other similarities between parenting styles within these two groups that both manifest enmeshment. The reader should understand that this post draws a comparison between the common features of both groups in order to help children of enmeshment both understand dysfunctional families and thus move through their pain into wholeness. Though I believe that the ideology of patriarchy lends itself well to those with personality disorders which makes those who do have such a diagnosis more protected within these patriarchal systems, I am in no way contending that parents in patriarchy suffer from BPD. The followers of patriarchy sometimes behave very aggressively with critics, showing intense anger and demeaning those who do not meet their expectations, both inside and outside of their families and groups. Like the high functioning BP who keeps more unpleasant matters well-hidden by showing only a careful façade to most others, patriarchy follows a very obvious rule: the parent can never be wrong and fathers can never be criticized.

Those who follow the Family Integrated Church (FIC) system see each individual father as the gatekeeper concerning doctrine and related practice for his own family, and in many FIC churches, men are even discouraged from talking directly to other women concerning conduct and doctrine because it is interpreted as interfering with the authority of the patriarch as independent prophet, priest and king over his own family jurisdiction. The FIC system itself tends to naturally insulate against criticism, inhibit legitimate concern for members within a family, and the system itself is quite punitive and intolerant of deviation from its narrow standards. Often in the same manner by which parents with BPD use their children to bear and contain their negative emotions, parents in patriarchy often objectify and scapegoat their own children to preserve their devotion and high regard for their ideology, the leaders they follow, as well as the outward appearance of the family. Also noted in the previous post, dysfunctional families spontaneously and unconsciously assign identified roles to family members, and one individual tends to be labeled and serves the family as the primary scapegoat. Because of the inequitable balance of power in families (favoring the BP and the patriarch), any subordinate within the family system can be blamed, however. Black and white thinking fosters this response in both BPD and cultic families where ethical issues as well as dynamic people reduce down to static elements – objects of use – which are understood through narrow predefined prejudices.

Drawing Insight from the Personal Accounts of Concentration Camp Survivors

Lawson and other authors concerned with child abuse report that enmeshed children and adults often find value in reading literature concerning concentration camp survivors. Many report dreams about captivity themes because they feel guilty, falsely condemned, trapped, and hopeless. Many of these things reported by children of BPs and abuse victims echo the statements and feelings of those who grew up in spiritually abusive patriarchy. As so many in patriarchy profess to be acting in the best interest of their children by following the prescribed paradigm, something the loaded language of this cultic group describes as “shepherding” or “protecting the hearts” of their children, BP mothers also feel entitled to their duty to dominate their children as a part of their role as parent. They do so because they believe that this treatment is “for the child’s own good.” When confronted by therapists, the BP becomes very defensive because they do not recognize their behavior as destructive. Lawson states,

Having been raised by parents who demanded absolute loyalty and obedience, the [borderline] mother wields her power as blindly as she once relinquished her will to her own parents. Denial of her child’s pain comes as easily to her as denial of her own pain. The [borderline mother] projects the war that rages within her onto the no-good child (pg. 273).

Many people who did not grow up in dysfunctional homes often question why people remain in destructive and demeaning relationships, and this is very true of people who do not understand BPD. Likewise, people who do not appreciate the concept of “bounded choice” do not understand the plight of the children within Botkin-style patriarchy because they do not understand the subtle dynamics and complex pressures upon adult daughters within the patriarchal system. But the survivor of a concentration camp knows deeply and intimately what the ill-affected daughter in patriarchy faces, something Lawson in particular points out as true of the children of BPs in “Understanding the Borderline Mother.” This kind of degradation at the hands of a parent is vastly different from that which comes via a stranger because the child builds their own identity upon that which the parent gives to the child. If this is based upon denigrating shame, it has a devastating affect on the child.

From Lawson, Pgs 273-4:

The words of a concentration camp survivor reflect a child’s blind faith in the parent: “Why did we not fight back? . . . I know why. Because we had faith in humanity. Because we did not really think that human beings were capable of committing such crimes” (Klein ["All But My Life"], p.89). The [borderline mother’s] children, too, fall victim to their own faith in humanity and therefore repress awareness of their mother’s destructive power. . . Children have faith in their parents and believe in their greater wisdom.

In his book on moral life in concentration camps, Todorov ["Facing the Extreme"] (1996) observed, “In the totalitarian ethic, loyalty to the leader is a fundamental obligation” (p. 189). Young children need to believe that their mother knows what is right and good. Their trust and loyalty are truly blind, for they have no other experience by which to assess her judgment. They believe in her basic goodness, more so than they believe in their own goodness. It is safer to accept the view that they are evil than to consider the consequences that the mother is evil.

Just like a survivor of a Nazi prison camp, the child of a BP must realize that if they do not take responsibility for their responses to their captivity, they run a great risk of becoming like their captors. This is very true for those in recovery from spiritual abuse who must address the lure of the benefit that they believed the ideology offered to them, because they are also at high risk for allowing their devotion to idealistic virtues serving as justification for behavior. They must make peace with their former abusive leader and work toward forgiveness, one of the long-term goals in recovery that occurs in the final stages of healing after steady progress and perseverance. They must also admit to themselves that their former ideology was flawed, just as the recovering BP parent must perform a painstaking moral inventory in order to take the first steps toward their own healing. Lawson quotes Todorov saying “Someone who sees no resemblance between himself and the enemy, who believes that all the evil is in the other and none in himself, is tragically destined to resemble his enemy” (p. 200). For me, this echoes that “if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us” (1 John 1:10, KJV).

As a part of working through their trauma, it is essential that those who have been hurt by any trauma, be it spiritual abuse, a personality disorder in a parent, family enmeshment, or Botkin Syndrome must be able to express themselves as they make sense of their experience so that they can progress through it into full healing. The silence must be broken regarding the silent suffering of Jesus’ little lambs. Lawson quotes another concentration camp survivor concerning the importance of telling one’s story to encourage healing.

Pg 290:

Those who experienced imprisonment . . . are divided into two distinct categories . . . those who remain silent and those who speak . . . those who remain silent who feel more deeply that sense of malaise which I for simplicity’s sake call “shame,” . . . The others speak . . . because . . . they perceive . . . the center of their life, the event that for good or evil has marked their entire existence. [Levi, p.149]

Lawson concludes this chapter by pointing out again, that like the BP parent who is often difficult to recognize and mistake the child of the BP as the problem in the family, concentration camp survivors were not believed at times. History has documented accounts of many who escaped camps in the early phases of WWII who were not believed when they escaped to tell the horrors of what they endured. For the adult children of patriarchy, this is absolutely true in many cases, because it is painful for people to be shaken out of their comfort zones to consider a very disturbing truth. Things aren’t always as they seem, and few people often believe what both the children of BPs and the children of abusive patriarchy have to say.

In conclusion, I would like to offer the footnote on page 290 of Lawson’s book:

Primo Levi (1988) writes in The Drowned and the Saved: “Almost all of the survivors, orally or in their written memoirs, remember a dream which frequently recurred during the nights of imprisonment, varied in its detail but uniform in its substance: they had returned home and with passion and relief were describing their past sufferings, addressing themselves to a loved one, and were not believed, indeed were not even listened to” (p. 12).

Lawson also states that,

“Pain that is expressed, heard, and believed is not experienced in vain. Pain that is heard can then be tolerated and healed” (pg 290) . . .Children need to be held, to be mirrored, to be soothed, and to be given some control throughout their childhood, but especially following separation and loss. Unbearable pain that is expressed, heard and believed becomes bearable (pg. 304).

It is my great hope that the daughters and sons of patriarchy can speak the truth about their experiences and also see them for what they are. I pray that they will be able to separate from the oppression they endured, can forgive their parents for their shortcomings and what many experience as spiritual, psychological, and emotional abuse. I pray that they can see themselves as good and can trust in their own personal goodness, no longer serving as a scapegoat and source of blame for the family. Exploring some of these writings about the plight of the concentration camp survivor as well as the child of a borderline personality can offer helpful encouragement to the children of enmeshed families.

Without intervention, their emptiness, hopelessness, rage, and fear will be passed to the next generation . . .

Borderline mothers are not evil; evil lies in the darkness of unawareness. They cannot see what they are doing.

Those of us who can see must shine the light of our understanding like a beacon guiding a ship to harbor, or share in the responsibility of allowing mothers to drown their own children in a sea of despair

(Lawson, pg 307).

Excerpts and adaptations from

Christine Ann Lawson

Understanding the Borderline Mother:

Helping Her Children Transcend the

Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship.

Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

Lantham, MD (2004)

Oxford (2000)

Quoting

Primo Levi

The Drowned and the Saved

Vintage (1989)

Quoting

Tzvetan Todorov

Facing the Extreme:

Moral Life in the Concentration Camps

Holt Paperbacks (1997)

Quoting

Gerda Weissman Klein

All But My Life

Hill and Wang, expanded edition (1995)

The Botkin Brand of Patriarchy and Personality Disorders: BPD Commonalities

2010-05-30T09:41:00.001-07:00

Those affected by patriarchy in the style of the Botkin Syndrome face a set of challenges and often struggle to see their experience in a way that helps them understand what happen to them. After establishing a place of safety in safe relationships, retracing and recounting personal history is an essential stage of recovery, something that comes before the stage of reconnection and intimacy with others. This is also true of children who grow up in other types of dysfunctional homes, such as those who had parents who suffered from personality disorders like narcissism. Because of the many similar elements that are common to the enmeshment of Botkin Syndrome and the enmeshment that takes place between children and the parent with a personality disorder, this literature is often helpful to those who are working their way out of patriarchy. In particular, I like “Trapped in the Mirror” and “Children of the Self-Absorbed” because the functional problems faced by children and adult children from patriarchal homes are so similar.

I find it striking that *[people with borderline personality disorder] use many of the same coping mechanisms that are used by those who follow Botkin-style patriarchy. This certainly does not mean that everyone who follows patriarchy has a narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, but I think that the ways in which the children of *[people with borderline personality disorder] are affected by their parent’s disorder can and may help those overcoming Botkin Syndrome understand their experience in a more meaningful way because of the similarities.

*[Late entry correction for clarity replacing an undefined abbreviation]

What is BPD?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), so named because the disorder was once classified differently, as it was originally thought to be a very mild form of “borderline” schizophrenia. As science and further study has now revealed that the disorder is actually a very specific reaction to trauma that takes place in childhood which inhibits aspects of brain development related to memory. At the current time, the name of the disorder remains, even though it is a little misleading. In addition to some more child-like means of coping with distress and reality, people affected with BPD fail to transfer very emotionally charged events into their long term memory. For this reason it was originally thought that those with the disorder could not “take in” reality and make sense of it, but it is actually now understood as a type of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that has affected brain function and development. Throughout the rest of this post and for the sake of ease, I will refer to those who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder as a “BP” meaning a “borderline person.” As one author suggests, it avoids reducing those affected into a diagnosis and preserves their identity as a person apart from the disease.

Features Common to Both BPD and Botkin Syndrome

BPs rely upon coping mechanisms [See this link] that are commonly used within spiritual abuse. In order to deal the depression and the intensity of mood swings, the BP uses defenses like distraction through fantasy and idealization to deny painful experiences, all in addition to the denial that occurs as a consequence of disturbance in memory. People who follow patriarchy cling to an idealized view of family and see the world through patriarchy’s galvanized prejudice, and elements of this created system of idealism often does not meet with practical demands, something very much like the alternate reality of the BP. Psychological splitting (a type of black and white thinking) also predisposes the BP to devaluation of others in order to protect their fragile sense of self, using devaluation, demoralization, and demonization of those whom they find threatening at a given moment. Those who follow patriarchy also defend their belief system against their critics, detractors, defectors, as well as their own excommunicated followers in the same manner. BPs use blame and projection in order to feel better about themselves, raising their own comfort level by “leveling the playing field” by focusing and attributing fault to others, regardless of whether they are deserving of that fault or blame. Patriarchy uses these tactics through the concept of merited grace and safety which always falls on the shoulders of the devotee (“If you failed to get promised results, you are to blame because of personal failure or sin.”).

Patriarchy uses all of these primitive coping tactics to enhance the group’s sense of exclusivity and special status to blame and reduce those outside of the group to a lesser status. For the loved ones of those with BPD, because of the high degree of manipulation used by the BP to avoid their fears and to survive their disorder, the “brainwashing effects” that the disorder has on their family and friends is very much like the thought reform employed within many systems of the so-called Biblical patriarchy. Again, this does not mean that anyone who follows patriarchy has a personality disorder, but the dynamics of the patriarchal system do bear many similarities in some respects. I believe that it is worth considering some of the wisdom from this literature to bring more insight. I am also concerned on another level that patriarchy may attract both leaders and followers with some of these personality disorders because the ideology of patriarchy lends itself so well to the natural style of those who have both borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.

Relationship Dynamics

The story of the Wizard of Oz lends itself well to the disorder as a way of explaining what it is like to live with a BP. The child of the BP lives in two worlds: the BP’s world and real world which is governed by rational and predictable social rules and dynamics which are consistent. Life with their BP is much like getting caught up into the whirlwind and carried to Oz – into an alternate universe where the regular rules don’t apply. It has some elements of enchantment fantasy, but like Oz, it also has its villains, heroes and sojourners. (Link HERE to a brief explanation of this metaphor.) In general, a BP can function at very high or very low levels, being very capable or very debilitated. Recognizing high functioning BPs proves more difficult for those outside of their immediate family or outside of the BP’s primary relationships, because it is masked by their high level of competence and skill at hiding their inner turmoil from others. BPs also vary vastly in the way that they deal with their fears and anguish, either turning them inward to become collapsed personalities or turning them outward to become exaggerated personalities.

In “Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship,” Lawson identifies four basic “character profiles” that tend to dominate the personality of the BP, but they may also overlap. (BPs manifest their core issues in very complex ways, but understanding them in terms of profile types or metaphor such as “Life in Oz” helps their loved ones with their own understanding and interpersonal struggle with their BP.) The BP may also behave consistently with one type of profile when coping well and may switch into another character profile when feeling threatened.

Character Profiles of Mothers with BPD (Lawson, pp 37-8):

(1.) The Waif Mother who predominantly demonstrates helplessness; “Life is too hard.”

(2.) The Hermit Mother who predominantly demonstrates fear; “Life is too dangerous.”

(3.) The Queen Mother who predominantly demonstrates emptiness; “Life is ‘all about me.’”

(4.) The Witch Mother who predominantly demonstrates annihilating rage; “Life is war.”

The following chart, adapted from the book, describes the affects of the mindset of the BP on their thoughts and behaviors concerning their children. It should be said that all parents make errors and that none are perfect, but parents who consistently respond to their children in the manners described in the Table do suffer with impaired relationships, and these ideas and resulting behaviors adversely affect their children. (No parent can be expected to be the perfect, ideal parent, and few parents are ideal.)

It cannot be stressed and stated more emphatically: Parents in patriarchy or those who follow the Botkin Model of parenting do not suffer from BPD! I present this material here to highlight how the similar coping and parenting styles of those with BPD are quite similar to those within patriarchy in some ways, and understanding this may be helpful for adult children who have been affected by particular elements of these parenting styles. It must also be noted that, though this book discusses the Borderline Mother, within patriarchy, the controlling and manipulating comes from both parents, theoretically from the father in particular. My point here involves understanding the general effects and problems, not to make a case that mothers in patriarchy control their families and that they are the source of the problems in the system. But, children of BPs suffer from enmeshment just as do children in patriarchy, and many of the assumptions that BPs make about their children are consistent with adult children who have exited patriarchy. It is a comparison, not an analogy. Some of the doctrines and some of the functional problems manifested in patriarchy also manifest in BPD (functional problems that manifest and deviate from patriarchy’s ideology when the ideology s put into practice). And for that reason only, the literature which addresses BPD can be helpful for those who are overcoming Botkin Syndrome.

Just as the BPs described here fall into predictable patterns of behavior, their children also develop predictable responses. Children in dysfunctional families fall into certain categories. Lawson notes these specific family roles for children of Borderline Mothers: the “all-good child,” the “no-good child” and the “lost child” (pp 160-173). Per the literature concerning addictions and recovery, the identified roles within dysfunctional, enmeshed families that children (and the non-addicted spouse) adopt include the “hero,” the “clown,” the “mascot,” the “caretaker,” the “rebel,” the “scapegoat,” the "mastermind," and the “lost child” or “loner.” Children within systems of enmeshment feel constrained to remain in these expected roles in order to accommodate the needs of the BP which assuages them, because children become overly responsible for the well being of the parent and family at the expense of their own needs and their own personalities. In patriarchy, exiting the family system is also tantamount to religious apostasy and loss of connection with God, so children within patriarchy feel even more pressure than do those in families where a parent suffers from addiction/dysfunction.

What Can We Learn from BPD?

Recently, while reading through the BPD literature, I noted several statements that Lawson makes in “Understanding the Borderline Mother” that apply well to those within patriarchy. I offer only a few of them here for those who are working through the “Why?” and “How?” of the painful aspects of their experience of family, noting understanding and evaluation of personal history as an essential stage in healing from any type of trauma. Working through and resolving their understanding of the painful aspects of their family experience will liberate them to be able to celebrate the good and beneficial elements of their families without hindrance or distraction.

Note: [Bracketed terms] in the following excerpts were adapted and added by this blog host for the ease of the reader of this post to abbreviate the terminology which was explained in the context of the book (in terms of character subtypes) but is beyond the scope of this post. To make the excerpts more relevant to those within patriarchy, consider substituting the term “family” for “mother.” As previously stated, though the book discusses these issues as they pertain to mothers who suffer from BPD, these issues apply to family and also to fathers within the Botkin-style form of patriarchy.

Pgs 223-4:

Children of borderlines expect incongruent behavior from others. They learn to hide their real feelings, to express their needs indirectly, or not to need anything at all. Because this learning is unconscious, they are unaware of their own incongruence… Children of borderlines keep the true self hidden, first from their parents and eventually from themselves. . . The real self will be hidden if it can not be fully expressed.

Pg 244:

Because borderlines lack object constancy, they have no access to an internal, loving, approving, protective self that is constant regardless of events. Therefore, they try to rely on their own children to hold them together. As adults, children of the [mother] have a choice about how much they are willing to give, how much they can emotionally withstand, and how much of their own lives they are willing to sacrifice.

Pgs 253-4:

The [mother’s] adult children must understand that those with healthy mothers cannot imagine the manipulativeness of the [mother]. Others therefore assume that the child, rather than the mother, is the selfish one…Attempting to separate from the [mother] can cause volcanic eruptions. Everyone reacts to seeing the smoke and red-hot lava once it is flowing, but few people understand the forces beneath the surface that created the disaster.

Pg 254-5:

The [mother’s] emptiness distorts her perceptions of interactions with others. Regardless of how much she is appreciated, loved, valued, or admired, she feels disappointed. Gifts from the [mother] have strings attached because they are tied to her sense of self. She gives in order to receive what she needs or wants… The strange combination of the [mother’s] extravagant gifts and her inability to give what is actually needed reflects her own longing to be indulged… The [mother’s] behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control, and her children may react by becoming intensely private individuals...The [mother’s] adult children should accept only those gifts that do not leave them feeling indebted, uncomfortable, or guilty.

Pg 261-2:

“In normal development, the mother introduces the child to increasingly difficult levels of frustration so the child will learn that she does not always get what she wants. At some point, the child’s ego realizes, accepts, and internalizes this, understanding that it is a normal, although disagreeable, fact of life. The child with an arrested ego, however, will have a poor ability to tolerate frustration…” [Quoting Masterson, pg 76.]

Unfortunately, both the [mother] and her children can suffer from arrested ego development. The [mother] cannot supply her children with something she lacks in herself, and she uses her children to mirror her self-worth. This aberration in parenting results in children with selves that either respond with angry defiance and feeling of worthlessness or with false compliance and feelings of emptiness… Adult children must learn to mirror their true selves instead of the [mother’s].

~~~~~~

In an upcoming post I HOPE to explore the connection between literature written by concentration camp survivors and why the children of BPs often feel a connection to the plight of the captive.

Excerpts and adaptations from

Christine Ann Lawson

Understanding the Borderline Mother:

Helping Her Children Transcend the

Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship.

Rowman & Littlefield Publishers

Lantham, MD (2004)

Oxford (2000)

Quote from

James F. Masterson

Search for the Real Self:

Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age

Free Press

New York (1988)

Thoughts About Enmeshment and Covert Incest and Botkin Syndrome: A Short Review

2010-05-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

Enmeshment occurs when individuals within families fail to develop a healthy and functional identity and ability to survive apart from the family group identity. There is a high degree of emotional fusion, poor if any boundaries at all between individuals within the family, and this fusion interferes with the individual’s ability to develop a clear sense of self. It interferes with normal growth and development for children who are raised within an enmeshed family, producing relationship problems as well as varied degrees of psychological problems.

Covert emotional incest occurs within enmeshed families and describes the dynamics of enmeshment.

In “Facing Love Addiction,” Pia Mellody describes effective bonding between parent and child as a functional and intimate activity that the parent sustains for the child. She likens this emotional connection to an umbilical cord that flows from parent to child, so that the stable, secure, and more grounded adult, from a position of maturity, nurtures and supports the child. Covert emotional abuse reverses the flow, so that at times, the parent draws emotional nourishment from the child to meet needs that should only be met in the context of adult relationships. The child lacks the wealth of resources that adults have including a sense of self, the ability to self-soothe, and the choice to direct themselves, something that they should be learning and deriving from their parents in varied ways until they enter adulthood. From resources that are drastically limited in comparison to an adult, the child must draw from their own limited resources to nourish the adult. (Pg. 43-4).

Another analogy used to describe the role of parent in the development of their child is that of a mirror. The child looks into the mirror of the parent who should reflect the image of the child back to them, a process that requires effort on behalf of the parent because it is needful for the proper self-awareness, learning, and growth of the child. For the parent who uses the child to inappropriately satisfy their adult needs, rather than reflecting the child’s image back to them, they project their own image and their needs on to the child so that the child understands them as their own issues and responsibilities.

This type of enmeshment tends to occur in families where an adult is ill and must rely on a child for physical support in order to compensate for their physical needs. The emotional sense of responsibility for the parent becomes unavoidable in many such cases. This also happens with adults who are too immature or fearful to be appropriately intimate with another adult, finding the intimacy too threatening emotionally. But they do not have such setbacks with children because the balance of power in the relationship is always in the adult’s favor. The child is not only vulnerable due to immaturity, the child will not abandon the parent because they need the parent in order to survive.

Children gain a sense of power and reward from the relationship, but this comes at a tremendously high price. While the parent promises complete devotion to the child and offers what seems like an adult-like status and level of control, the child also becomes overwhelmed by the unspoken understanding that they are emotionally responsible for the welfare and needs of the adult or perhaps for the survival of the whole family. The responsibility engulfs the child, and they learn that love is demonstrated by and depends upon their performance.

Rather than intimacy which requires balance and cooperation of both parties, the child learns that love is earned and is expressed through duty. This destroys true intimacy. As adults, these children generally find their value in caretaking and their worth in performance. Rather than finding intimacy as a caregiver, they end up using those they care for as objects which provide them with self-worth which is what their adult parent did with them when they were children. Their lives become defined by the needs of others and at the expense of themselves.

Another feature of this type of relationship includes a high degree of risk-taking, drama, and extremes. Because the style of communication within these systems is largely passive-aggressive as opposed to a mature and assertive style, the child learns to relate to family members in terms of intensity. Intensity is often mistaken for intimacy. This is also a characteristic of the patriarchy movement as Vyckie Garrison explains in her blog post entitled “We Didn’t Want to be BALANCED.” Like the dynamics of a dysfunctional family, the dynamics that are found in families of alcoholics and drug addicts, intensity is used like a drug to numb the pain that results from the overwhelming duty that the enmeshed mistake for intimacy. They use intensity to medicate the discomfort experienced because of the loss of their own sense of self. People in patriarchy are encouraged to relate to one another in terms of intensity.

Within the system of family that the Botkins define, all individuals within the family revolve around their patriarch husband/father like satellites orbiting the sun. Within families of dysfunction, family members revolve around the addict or the primary user in the same way. Predictable dynamics ensue, dynamics that do not differ from those that define enmeshment. In this sense, I believe that because the patriarch uses family members including their own children for emotional, psychological, and spiritual gratification, I consider the Botkin model to be a formally institutionalized system of enmeshment that is wrongly promoted as God’s highest and best for Christians. Lovely, photoshopped faces are used to promote the paradigm while the unattractive underbelly obscures cruel elitism that reduces women to creatures to be used by men and leaders without accountability. “Lovely families” obscure aspects of the system that teach people, according to Bill Gothard and a perversion of Calvinism, that have no rights and little recourse when they suffer under unjust authority. Is this not like the relationship that Pia Mellody describes where the strong draws nourishment from the weak wherein the strong defines their objectification as love?

A Lesson From Alice Miller

2010-05-26T22:26:00.003-07:00

For some time, I have thought about quoting Alice Miller on this blog. She was a psychologist in Europe, living in

Switzerland

for some time, and she passed away earlier this year. She wrote about the “poisonous pedagogy” or the “black pedagogy” as it translates from German, a term which describes oppressive practices that people use when raising children. She defines this term as “the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or cover coercion, manipulation, and emotional blackmail” (from the preface of The Truth Will Set You Free).

I don’t agree with her on some points, and I don’t like the anger that I discern when I read sections of her work, particularly other books. Yet at the same time, she was a brilliant, brilliant diagnostician in terms of developmental growth and patterns of family dysfunction. She also struggled with aspects of Christianity including aspects of the gender debate, and though I don’t always share her conclusions about all of these matters, she was honest and fair to read and consider the Bible. I have great respect for those who do not share my religious opinions but have honored me by thoughtfully considering my own. She brings a valuable perspective that I think Christians would be wise to heed.

I have also been reluctant to bring her name up on my blogs because she has worked as an anti-child abuse activist, contributing to the UN’s initiate regarding children’s rights. At this point, I’ve been called so many things from Communist to lesbian, I don’t really care anymore. I quoted Stalin in a paper that I wrote, something I cited from a book by Donald Howard, so I guess this is proof that I am a Marxist? My quoting her does not mean that I think that the UN is a terrific organization or that I am some Communist that wants to give our country to

China

and other third world nations. (I think that this has already happened in many respects.) I have read the literature and mailings concerning groups like HSLDA’s activism against the very causes that Alice Miller advanced. This does not mean that I support any of these groups. If you like, consider my cause for citing her as what PG Wodehouse once placed in the literary mouth of his Jeeves character when he said “It is best to know what tunes the devil is playing.” I don’t feel at all threatened by the cogent things she had to say, and it is my hope that we can learn from her wisdom.

On the night of what I understand was originally scheduled as a pre-trial hearing for Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz after the events that you can learn about elsewhere, I thought it would be fitting to quote Alice Miller since so little accountability for all of this matter has been shown by the Christian community. Caesar will apparently keep us honest, or will make fools of us for burying our heads as a Church, the group that should set ethical standards, not be shamed by secular ones. I think that we can learn, at least, from her honesty and from her compassion for wounded and hurting children. I wish I could quote more of her book here. I think that though many of those who are healing from “Botkin Syndrome” would also not agree with her on some points, I believe that many would find it insightful and validating.

I believe that, from the epistemology through which I best make sense of the world (How we know what we know), that truth is transcendent. Some say that all truths must come from the Bible first, and that what our senses tell us about the world is a lower order of truth. I am often criticized for being too much of an evidentialist, putting too much emphasis on worldly facts as opposed to Godly wisdom. In short, I do not think that these types of knowledge compete with one another, but I see them as “coherent” and “corresponding.” Statements from unbelievers can that bear truth can be very true in this sense, if they correspond to what is real. I am going to agree with Winston Churchill about truth who sums it up quite eloquently: “The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.” I don’t think that he would be intimidated by Alice’s statements either, because “here they are.” I think they stand on their own merit.

This section appears in “The Truth Will Set You Free” in the epilogue entitled “From Ignorance To Knowledge and Compassion.” (In my edition, this section appears starting on page 190 and concludes with a section appearing on page 195.) The book speaks of “generational faithfulness” as old patterns of dysfunction, of how parents unknowingly use their children to medicate their old pains of the past. The whole chapter speaks respectfully of the Bible, but it draws into question the traditions of men.

The figure of Jesus confounds all those principles of poisonous pedagogy… Long before his birth Jesus received the greatest reverence, love and protection from his parents… His earthly parents saw themselves as his servants… Would it not make eminent sense to encourage believers to follow the example of Mary and Joseph and regard their children as the children of God (which in a sense they are)?

[T]he members of the upcoming generations will have the courage to call evil by its name…It is high time to relinquish the destructive models and to mistrust the principle of obedience. We have no need of docile children brainwashed by their upbringing to be ideal targets of seduction by terrorists and lunatic ideologists, ready to fall in with their commands even to the extent of killing others. Children given the respect they deserve from their earliest years will go through life with open eyes and ears, prepared to fight injustice, stupidity, and ignorance with arguments and constructive action. Jesus did this at the age of twelve, and the scene in the temple (Luke 2:41-52) demonstrates eloquently that, if need be, he could refuse the obedience his parents asked of him without hurting their feelings.

With the best will in the world we cannot truly emulate the example of Jesus. None of us were carried by our mothers as the child of God; indeed, for far too many parents, children are merely a burden. What we can do, provided we really want to, is learn from the attitude displayed by Joseph and Mary. They did not demand docility from their son, and they felt no urge to inflict violence on him. Only if we fear the confrontation with our own histories will we need to have power over others and cling to it with all our might. And if we do that it is because we feel too weak to be true to ourselves and our own feelings. But being honest to our children will make us strong. In order to tell the truth we do not need to have power over others. Power is something we only need in order to spread lies and hypocrisy, to mouth empty words and pretend they are true.

I hope that we are not too pious as a Body to fail to honor and learn from her words before it is too late.

Please pray for the Schatz family and everyone whose lives have been touched by them. I don’t even have words to express my great sorrow or to find words to pray. What confidence that I have in Him, for He understands groans.

The Lord Is My Strength

2010-02-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

I couldn't let that Who song up to long as my most current posting without replacing it with a better one. I was introduced to this song when we lived in Maryland, but I got all warm and tingly when I found out that Dennis Jernigan participated in worship at the Metro Church in Edmond, Oklahoma. (It seemed like all of the Christians that I met at work in OKC all lived in Edmond and went to Metro! Then they'd ask me why I'd decided to live in Norman...)

And this seemed appropriate since my worship team sang this song at the cultic church, and I loved to do the alto descant/echo in the chorus and the return at the end..."Each and every minute every hour of the day..." THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH!

The Lord Is My Strength - Denn...

And I liked to play this one on the piano as an altar call.

Come As a Bridegroom - Dennis ...

Buy the web album at lala.com
or
Dennis Jernigan CDs at Amazon.com.

Behind Blue Eyes: A Little Girl's Shame

2010-02-08T01:24:00.001-08:00

I had other problems before I was molested. I had terrible school phobia for a couple of years before it started. If all conditions were good, I seemed to be alright – something like a normal person. Something would always tip the scale, and to be out of balance even a little, I felt like the side of the balance I sat upon had fallen into the depths of the earth. And I just “knew,” in my little five year old brain, that there was something very dreadfully and inherently wrong with me. I was different in a very bad sort of way. Though my heart’s desire was to be perfect, I was helplessly, hopelessly bad. I already knew the language of shame.

I was drudgery for her and the bane of her existence. She’d wanted a boy to name “D…” I screamed for months, drove her mad with sleep deprivation, and these were only my first actions that would slowly kill her alive by ruining her life. I was helpless to do anything other than ruin my own in turn. She would… I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. I loved her and tried so hard and failed so miserably always. And I loved her, and I know that she loved me. That’s what makes it so hard. That’s why I hated myself for so long. The love was there, and it wasn’t for lack of love. It was life that had been unfair to her and unfair to us. Unfair to me.

But the sexual abuse certainly didn’t make things any better. I seemed to need absolutely no help to feel horrible about myself. With all the mixed and confused feelings of an eight year old little girl, there were things about it that were… well… frozen. I can’t move and I can’t escape… Going back to the memory, a journey that feels like walking down a dark spiral staircase that is narrow, takes me to the place where it happened and happened and happened again. And I feel… dead. I feel dead calm and it is dead silent. I am powerless to do anything. I wiggle away and can’t get away and I remember being afraid. Then nothing. I remember, but I think and I feel nothing when I try to remember when I was just a little girl. I feel dead, like my life and my body were nothing but flat photographs. I wonder what my face looks like as I write this? I imagine that it looks dead, but an emotionless, sad kind of expression. Death would have peace and comfort, but that is not like this. My death is empty nothing

I just wish that I could go on feeling nothing… But feeling comes back. It hurts deep and vaguely in my belly…. Then it is like cramping very low in my stomach…it feels empty as if my body is not there at all, but hurts around the edges of the emptiness… Sick, sick, sick… I’d rather feel nothing. When people ask me now why I didn’t tell anyone then, I don’t remember any thoughts. I remember the familiar pain that travels and takes over my tired, disgusting body that doesn’t even feel like my body anymore. I’m too afraid to really remember and too sick to really forget. I don’t remember thoughts or details, especially in the beginning. I remember feelings of sickness and almost like my soul died inside me with my body still alive, going through the motions of life. The world never stopped going on around me, but I did. I felt dead. No one listened. No one heard.

Little girls should be good and kind. They should be seen and not heard, packed full of sugar, spice, and nice. They should have no needs, and they should be helpful. What’s the use, then? I’m ruined, so I just don’t think about it, and I don’t know what I’d say. Do dead girls talk? Little girls should love everyone and only feel good feelings toward others, particularly adults that they should respect. Only love. Love your enemies and bless everyone, especially those who hurt you. Heap burning coals on their heads by loving them. I think of the red hot coals that burn in the furnace in the winter. I don’t want to burn anyone. Well, at least he loves me. I have to love him and respect him as my elder. I have to obey authorities and they know better than little girls, especially very horrible little girls. Oh, but I hate… the smell of him? The… I can’t even tell you... I feel horrible! Something is very, very wrong. Good girls don’t get angry. Maybe good girls die instead.

Then I became pretty compulsive. Obsessive. Driven. Restless. Lusting after justice and wanting to understand the truth about what was right and wrong. I would determine to do the right thing, and then I would be whole. They would see that I meant well. That would make it okay if I could just… Oh, compulsion soon rules me with an iron fist. I feel lust, but it is lust for justice for others who are mistreated, and maybe I’d find a little for myself.

I didn’t need any help feeling terrible about myself before the death that part of who I was. I don’t even remember who I was or when I was innocent. I only remember feeling very bad and always guilty from the very beginning. Everything bad in the world that happened around me happened because of me, but the world never took notice of my death. And then I woke up to anger, but I couldn’t let it be anger because anger was bad. It was anger I wasn’t ever allowed to have. Inconsistencies brought more anger, and anger brought more shame. That brought more compulsion that seemed to operate in slow motion.

More than thirty years later, I find myself remembering, remembering, while watching the Superbowl XLIV Halftime Show. The Who sings “Behind Blue Eyes,” [LATE ENTRY: in the preliminary acoustic set the did before the game] and I remember when I first heard this song and understood what had happened to me. I’m flooded with memory and the feeling of waking up from my deadness as a young adolescent to feel shame and anger and even more disappointment. Townshend wrote this song as the anthem of an evil bureaucrat cog on a wheel in a totalitarian machine for a rock opera that no one could understand. They only ever recorded a few of the better songs from the opera. But I understand the anthem well. I like another remake of it that I saw on the “Gothika” DVD a few years ago, wept and sang the song for days thereafter. Like wringing a dishrag, I rang out my heart. I have blue grey eyes, I love the arpeggiated accompaniments in both renditions, the chords are beautiful, but the new one holds much more melancholy for me. Add the content of the “Gothika” film in context if you are familiar with it, and it might make even more sense. Everything about this haunts me tonight.

Behind Blue Eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

I am bad and sad, and no one knows. My eyes are blue and I look like a normal little girl, I think. But I am hated everywhere and my mother has claimed over and over that what happened to me at school today could not have happened. I know I’m not lying, but she doesn’t believe me. I either get laughed at or punished at home. When it becomes known that I didn’t lie, the vindication doesn’t seem sweet. I don’t remember them talking about me being right all along. If they apologized, I was so afraid that I don’t remember.

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

[When you are dead, you stop dreaming for awhile. Well, not really. I don’t know what you do when you are dead. I stopped having good dreams for a long time. I had nightmares, and my mother’s answer was to give me a copy of C.S. Lovett’s “Dealing With the Devil.” Oh, this is fantastic reading for a nine year old! (If you’re unfamiliar with what is known in evangelical circles as ‘deliverance,’ take a look at “Pigs in the Parlor” sometime. The book I read was a shorter, do-it-yourself version of that book.) My dreams were full of shame, being chased by floating baseballs that spoke condemnation that followed me… of dripping faucets that I could not stop… the dripping of my endless shame and inadequacies that never stopped.

My deadness was like the empty conscience in the song. Why didn’t I react differently? Why didn’t I seek out help? But who would have helped me? They didn’t believe me about how people pronounced their names or that I’d not done anything to “instigate” ridicule, save to act self-conscious. I would tell them this?

When I became a teenager and old enough to start processing what had happened to me, the overwhelming anger that I could not acknowledge made my conscience feel empty. I didn’t feel anything. I think that the shame deadened me. The deadness was emptiness.

I would, however, sometimes sing my own version. Well, I found myself singing my own version…

“BUT my dreams they ARE as BROKEN

As my HEART now seems to be…”

I have hours, lonely hours, with my secrets and my shame. My love is a lust for justice that is never satisfied despite all of my striving. That sounds much to me like “vengeance that’s never free.” Love is about performance. I’m trapped and helpless.

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

My parents don’t know because I fear my father would murder the man in anger. He wasn’t born again then, and he could go to jail, to the electric chair, and then to hell. Then that would be my fault. It is all my fault. But, then I awaken to the first blushes of womanhood and talk of purity, and I know that I am hopeless. Anger tries to find an outlet, but I hold it down until I can crush myself no more. Until I am old enough to drive away in a car. Until I am old enough to pay my own way well enough to leave. None of my pain and woe can show through, and I do bite back hard. I bite back through striving to be good, and I am still never good enough. I developed a lust for justice. One day, I must be able to prove that I have not been as horrible as they think. And then the panic that I used to have that if people looked at me a certain way, they would see what had happened to me. If they saw me naked, they would know. The more of me they could see, the more they would be able to tell. But I had to see to it that none of my pain and woe showed through.

Anger comes, and I am still struggling with it today, watching the Superbowl in 2010. Anger is a sign to us, not a sin. It tells us that we’ve been threatened or that we are in pain. It is protective. But I had no right to protect myself, and the double messages and double meanings swim in my head. Anger at me, at my mother, at my father. And at him. Though I didn’t really mean it, for awhile I’d hoped that the man was rotting in hell because of what he’d taken from me, but I’d given it willingly because I had no option. But I don’t really want to see anyone in hell, yet this blame rests with him. And the blame of who I am to my parents rests with me.

Then came my realization of spiritual abuse. My self had been shaken to the core. I’d been unfaithful to God by serving the church and the acceptance of men in the church. Idolatry. Idolatry of seeking my parents’ approval. Idolatry of acceptance. Idolatry of perfectionism. And my anger reared its raging head. I couldn’t choke it back or “bite back” on it anymore. I’d stored a whole lifetime of it, and this receptacle was full.

No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

The isolation that comes with this kind of thing is horrible. I have blue grey eyes and things look pretty normal on the outside. But the traumas happen while the world keeps on moving around you, like in some movie special effect. I’m in this world but I’m walking in a universe just a few breaths behind the real one. I’m isolated in defeat and unjust treatment. To be mistreated, to be defeated, behind blue eyes. I remember once saying to someone who was encouraging me to take better care of myself that it seemed like “spraying perfume over a cesspool.” They looked at me in shock and surprise… because no one knows what it’s like…

For a very long time, I’d hoped that those who had hurt me so deeply by rejecting me and expecting me to be perfect when I was tiny and helpless would come and say they were sorry. I wanted and needed comfort. But my story fell on deaf ears that couldn’t even process the horror of it. They don’t express sorrow for me – but they accuse me of more lies. It’s no different when I’m 23 or 33 or 43 than it was when I was five. “We don’t understand, we are uncomfortable with what we don’t understand, so the path of least resistance for us is to call you a liar.” The bad one. The sad one. Behind blue eyes that fill with tears until no tears even come anymore. But I’m not telling lies.

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man,
to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

I’d hoped for a long time that all I would need was prayer and my Bible to heal. And then the Holy Spirit. Then maybe some deliverance. Then, if I mastered spiritual warfare. Then, maybe, if I could get friends who would love and help me. If I could just get out of the house. If I could learn more of the Bible. If I married. If I could have a baby. If I could get far enough away from it, in time…

Some of these things did heal me, but I could not do it on my own. Some of the deep pain required someone who could love me through sessions of talking about my pain and my grief. I found a therapist who showed me the comfort that she’d received from others in the Lord. She encouraged me in love. She taught me and helped me find the way out of the Valley of the Shadow and the long, dark night of my soul. My faith in Jesus was enough to heal me, but I needed another to come along side of me. I needed someone to sit valiantly and patiently beside me while I vomited up the grief and sadness and pain of my dark night. I needed Jesus to extend love to me in a very specific and expert way, and He did that through someone else. The Lord will help you find healing. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it comes in time and through looking into the mirrors that other people provide us in their loving honesty. It comes through His Word, given to us so we can see what He sees in us.

Tonight I’m haunted. I don’t live in shame anymore because I’ve finally started to learn about the courage of unconditional love that I’ve begun to learn to extend to myself. But Superbowl Half-time has me teary eyed a little, grieving the things I barely remember having but feel a full portion of the grief of the loss. I feel heavy in my body, but not sick. Just sad. And it is sad.

I pulled up this video after half-time. Then I journaled. I didn’t weep on the outside, and I felt sad on the inside with a sense of sweetness to realize how much I’ve healed. Now I am weary and will sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and I will rejoice in it. I will look to find the joy in the morning. And the sadness will go to sleep for a few years until I’m reminded of this song and the sad memory of loss that it brings to my mind. I will remember and grieve and feel the sweetness again.

Purge me with hyssop and I will be clean

Wash me and I will be whiter than snow

Ps 51

Women Are Not Sex Objects

2010-01-15T16:02:00.000-08:00

Another entry from Adele Hebert,
Independent Scholar.

There are numerous occasions recorded in the Gospels where women are treated as second‑class citizens, even as sex objects, and it was expected that Jesus would do the same. One such occasion occurred when Jesus was invited to dinner at the house of a skeptical Pharisee (Lk 7:36ff.) and a woman of ill repute (harmatolos, a sinner) entered and washed Jesus’s feet with her tears, wiped them with her hair and anointed them. The Pharisee saw her solely as an evil sexual creature: “The Pharisee ...said to himself, ‘If this man were a prophet, he would know who this woman is who is touching him and what a bad name she has.’” But Jesus deliberately rejected that way of thinking. He rebuked the Pharisee and spoke solely of the woman’s human, spiritual actions; he spoke of her love, her unlove, i.e., her sins, her being forgiven, and her faith. Jesus then addressed her (it was not “proper” to speak to women in public, especially “improper” women) as a human person: “Your sins are forgiven.... Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

A similar situation occurred when the scribes and Pharisees used a woman reduced entirely to a sex object to set a legal trap for Jesus (Jn 8:2‑11). It is difficult to imagine a more callous use of a human person than what the “adulterous” woman was put through, by the enemies of Jesus. First, she was “taken” in the act, then dragged before the scribes and Pharisees, finally brought before an even larger crowd that Jesus was instructing, “making her stand in full view of everybody.” They told Jesus that she had been caught in the very act of committing adultery and that Moses had commanded that such women be stoned to death (Dt 22:22ff.). “What have you to say?” The trap was partly that if Jesus said Yes to the stoning he would be violating the Roman law, which limited capital punishment, and if he said No, he would contravene Mosaic law. It could have been to expose Jesus’s reputation for kindness toward, and championing the cause of, women in opposition to the law and the condemnation of sin.

Jesus, of course, eluded their snares by refusing to become entangled in legalisms and plots. Rather, he dealt with bth the accusers and the accused directly as spiritual, ethical, human persons. He spoke directly to the accusers in the context of their own personal ethical conduct: “If there is one of you who has not sinned, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” To the accused woman he spoke with compassion, but without approving her conduct: “‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ She said, ‘No one, Lord.’ And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.’”

Regarding the status of women, the woman being caught in the act of adultery, according to the Law of Moses must to be stoned to death. But since the type of execution mentioned was stoning, the woman must have been a “virgin betrothed,” as referred to in Dt 22:23f. It states both the man and the woman must be stoned, although in the Gospel story only the woman is brought forward. However, the reason given for why the man ought to be stoned was not because he had violated the woman, or God’s law, but “because he had violated the wife (property) of his neighbor.” It was the injury to the man (not the wife or betrothed) that was the great evil. Jesus defended her; he did not condemn her; he declared her a person, definitely not the property of a man.

Adapted from Leonard Swidler

Biblical Affirmations of Women

About Apologies that Aren't

2009-03-29T03:35:00.000-07:00

Following some correspondence with Voddie Baucham, I posted this information about apologies on the Under Much Grace Blog. The information on apologies can be helpful when working through forgiveness, and I think this is a good place to start on the subject.

What exactly is an apology? The word originates from the Greek (and the Latin) word “apologia” which literally means a "plea" or “a speech in one’s own defense.” This straight definition more closely resembles the meaning of the word “apologetics” which we use to describe giving an account of one’s faith and the hope within us, with both meekness and patience. It also corresponds with the third possible definition that the Oxford Dictionary lists: “a justification or defense.” But in terms of asking for forgiveness (the process of repentance for causing an offense), what the Oxford describes as “a regretful acknowledgment of regret or failure” and how we most commonly use the word, using a defensive approach usually proves to be a poor one.

In terms of asking for forgiveness, using just the Oxford dictionary’s first description alone, an apology includes a few components – something that gives it meaning and substance.
Failure
Acknowledgment
Regret
Both parties must acknowledge that the offending party committed an act that either failed to meet a certain standard or resulted in some undesirable outcome. The person offering a sincere apology must be specific about this action and the outcome, because the rest of the apology builds upon this foundation. That is why general, blanket apologies which do not make clear that the offending party understands what they’ve done lack substance. An apology teaches each party more about their own boundaries and the boundaries of others, hopefully effecting some lasting change for the better of both as a result of the learning process. If there is no identification of the specific failure, can there be any way to avoid repeating it in the future?

Many weak apologies avoid assignment of responsibility for failure, because it is a painful and disappointing process to do so. Our human nature tends to discourage an objective view of ourselves, complete with all of our faults. Taking responsibility for failures points out to us that we are flawed, inadequate, limited, and sometimes, powerless. And sometimes that acknowledgment of our responsibilities reveals the dishonor in our own hearts. Apologies become even more difficult when circumstances beyond one’s control contributed to the failure or offense, particularly when the person responsible for starting the chain of events never intended and could not foresee the end result of the negative outcome. When a person behaves responsibly and another suffers harm or offence as a result, the offending party comes face to face with the limitations of their humanity, and this can challenge beliefs such as the idea that “Life is fair,” or “I am a basically good person that is in control of my environment.”

All apologies must include some expression of regret. Regret poses an even more difficult aspect to measure, though it is also an essential element of a true and sincere apology. Sometimes apologies are offered with all the right components, but sometimes, the party offering them can only be making the effort for their own personal gain. If they experience negative consequences as a result of their actions themselves, if the offer of apology proves to be just a public show to promote a certain persona of themselves to others, or if the party has been compelled against their natural inclination to make amends by some outside influence, then the apology can be more offensive than the original act of offense for the one who "sees through" the ingenuous apology. These insincere apologies only draw attention to the lack of care, respect and consideration that the offending party holds for the offended. It only intensifies the injury.

As it is often difficult to measure regret, it is here where one’s actions often speak louder than our words when conveying an apology. Efforts of restitution speak powerfully to the offended on behalf of the one who committed the offense, as true regret includes a desire to restore the other party. An effort to make restitution serves to seal an apology and can become a measure of the apology’s essential element of regret. Timing and the manner in which one offers an apology also adds to the effectiveness. The person offering an apology must show contrition and contrition regarding the right elements, as apologies should never serve as license to commit the offense again. Without contrition, there is not impetus to avoid the act in the future.

Read the whole post HERE.

Learning to Say "No"

2009-03-27T01:41:00.000-07:00

OK to say NO!

By Adele Hebert

Jesus used images concerning the end of time. Both men and women are in these stories; both must be ready; both treated equally. Both involve hard choices, even saying NO!

What sort of servant, then, is faithful and wise enough for the master to place him over his household to give them their food at the proper time? Happy that servant if his master arrival finds him at his employment. I tell you solemnly, he will place him over everything he owns. His master will come on a day he does not expect and at an hour he does not know. (Mt 24:45-51; Lk 12:42-46 says female servants as well.)

Immediately following is the second story, about the wise and foolish bridesmaids. Jesus took great effort to illustrate the same point, this time focusing on women. The big difference is that the women in this parable use their voice. This is a powerful lesson for women. They are not simply told what to do. In fact, they do not obey. Jesus gave women dignity, always defended them, and taught them about boundaries, not to allow abuse.

Jesus NEVER once told women that they had to submit to anyone. The word submit does not occur in the Greek; the actual word is Support. There is much confusion concerning submission. We want to do the right thing, but we don know where to draw the line. Often, we don draw any lines at all, or the lines that we do draw are way past the safety zone. We realize it when we are over our heads in trouble; then we get depressed and don know why. So where are the lines to be drawn that will keep us safe, walking in truth, and in the center of God's will? The word submit is still used to keep women in bondage. Without knowing these boundary lines, we allow others to use us. Jesus ADVISED women to use boundaries.

Ask yourself, would God want me to do this? Women, this is the boundary line! We have been taught that we are to blindly obey our spouse, but that is not from God. So we obey out of fear. We obey to keep the peace. But Abraham made Sarah lie. Ahasuerus wanted Vashti to show her beauty; she rightly refused. God gave us His Word so we will not be deceived. The Lord would not have us do anything ungodly or under coercion or manipulation. You are NEVER to submit to abuse. Here Jesus tells women they SHOULD say NO!

Ten bridesmaids took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise: the foolish ones took their lamps, but no oil, whereas the wise ones took oil as well as their lamps. The bridegroom was late, and they all grew drowsy and fell asleep. But at midnight there was a cry, he bridegroom is here! Go out and meet him. At this, all those bridesmaids woke up and trimmed their lamps, and the foolish ones said to the wise ones, ive us some of our oil: our lamps are going out. But they replied, NO, there may not be enough for us and for you; go to those who sell it and buy some for yourselves. (Mt 25:1-13) At times we Need to say NO. One of the most crucial lessons for women in the whole bible is right here. Jesus gave women permission to say, NO! Check out another woman with boundaries and a voice Lk 1:60.

*NO! an extremely valuable word for women*. Jesus gave women the right to say NO to stand up for themselves, for what is right, to protect themselves. Jesus Advised, even Encouraged us to say No!

Women, get boundaries or you will get used!

Adapted by Stephen Gola and Leonard Swidler.

Asking God For Help With Forgiveness

2009-03-25T01:26:00.000-07:00

A Christian perspective on forgiveness ~
From Dr. Stoop’s “Making Peace with your Father”

Pages 238 -239:

God knows our pain, our loss, our disappointments. He longs to heal our brokenness. He could do so instantly – but then we would not learn the lessons that are vital to our healing. For most of us, His promise to heal our broken hearts will be fulfilled over a period of time.

The writer of the letter to the Hebrews assures us that “this High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses...So let us come boldly to the throne of God and stay there to receive his mercy and to find grace to help us in our times of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16). We can stay there as long as we need to in order to experience the fullness of God’s healing grace.

As you work through the process of healing... invite your loving heavenly Father into the process with you. Allow him to heal your shame and guilt. Bathe each step you take in prayer. Ask God to empower you to follow through on each step and to endure the pain and hurt you experience. Ask him for the courage to risk making changes, both in your behavior and in your expectations. Ask him to give you the grace to forgive, so that you may be released from the bondage of the past.

Then ask him to give you the robe of honor, the ring of authority and the shoes of a beloved son or daughter. Let God show himself to you as the Father to the fatherless.

He has already made peace with you. He is waiting for you to come home.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop in
"Making Peace With Your Father:
Understanding the Role Your Father
has Played in Your Life – Past to Present"
Regal, 2004 (originally Tyndale, 1992)

Ideas About How To Approach Peacemaking

2009-03-22T01:19:00.000-07:00

A Christian perspective on forgiveness ~
From Dr. Stoop’s “Making Peace with your Father”

Facing the Truth

pages 189 - 232:

Step One:

Identify the Symptoms

Step Two:

Get the Facts

Step Three:

Identify Family Secrets and Family Myths

Step Four:

Speak the Unspoken

Step Five:

Rewrite History

Step Six:

Process the Losses

Step Seven:

Wait

Step Eight:

Forgive

Step Nine:

Invite Others to Share Your Journey

Step Ten:

Explore New Roles

Step Eleven:

Redeem the Past

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop in
"Making Peace With Your Father:
Understanding the Role Your Father
has Played in Your Life – Past to Present"
Regal, 2004 (originally Tyndale, 1992)

The Terrorizing Father

2009-03-20T01:14:00.000-07:00

A Christian perspective on forgiveness ~
From Dr. Stoop’s “Making Peace with your Father”

Pages 181 - 182:

Additional Losses from the Terrorizing Father:

1. The child often experiences deep fear that turns into despair.

2. He or she may lead a life of denial in which all emotions are buried.

3. He or she may surrender to helplessness and adopt the identity and lifestyle of a perpetual victim, constantly immersed in fear, guilt and depression.

4. He or she may become angry and defiant in an attempt to obliterate a deep fear about life.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop in
"Making Peace With Your Father:
Understanding the Role Your Father
has Played in Your Life – Past to Present"
Regal, 2004 (originally Tyndale, 1992)

The Abusive Father's Loss

2009-03-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

A Christian perspective on forgiveness ~
From Dr. Stoop’s “Making Peace with your Father”

Page 175:

Additional Losses from the Abusive Father:

1. The child is pushed back toward the mother, even more than with the absent father. As a young adult, the abused person may feel unable to leave home.

2. The child develops a fearful posture toward all of life.

3. The cycle of abuse is onften carried over into the next generation.

4. Common symptoms include academic problems, dropping out of school, running away, suicide.

5. As an adult, the abused person often becomes hypervigilant, consumed with anxiety about real or imagined danger.

6. The abused person is typically fearful of anger, both in himself and others.

7. In adult life, the abused person is commonly subject to bouts of serious depression.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop in
"Making Peace With Your Father:
Understanding the Role Your Father
has Played in Your Life – Past to Present"
Regal, 2004 (originally Tyndale, 1992)

Seeing Our Parents Realistically

2009-03-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

A Christian perspective on forgiveness ~
From Dr. Stoop’s “Making Peace with your Father”

Page 169:

Think about your own mental image of your father.

If the picture you carry of him seems too good to be true, there is a good chance that it isn’t true. I am certainly not advocating that we set out to adopt a harshly negative view of our fathers – or of anyone else, for that matter.

It is entirely right for us to view our parents with charity and respect. But we also need to adopt a realistic view of our parents, acknowledging both their strengths and their weaknesses. Only when we see them as they truly are can we relate to them on a solid footing of reality. Only then are we free to grow up and become healthy adults ourselves.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop in
"Making Peace With Your Father:
Understanding the Role Your Father
has Played in Your Life – Past to Present"
Regal, 2004 (originally Tyndale, 1992)

The All-Good Father

2009-03-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

A Christian perspective on forgiveness ~
From Dr. Stoop’s “Making Peace with your Father”

Page 167 - 168:

Sherri’s father died when she was twelve. When I asked her what she remembered about him, she smiled and described a virtuous, heroic, utterly perfect human being. I pressed her for any less-than-perfect aspects he may have had, but the more I did, the more positive traits she recited. The tables were turned when we discussed her mother. Sherri had nothing good whatesoever to say about her.

What Sherri was doing is called “splitting.” It represents our tendency to make one person all-good and the other person all-bad. Little children do it all the time; it’s a natural part of the process of emotional development. When adults practice splitting, however, it can cause trouble.

In her strong attachment to the too-good father, Sherri was setting herself up for some serious problems. To preserve her image of her father, she had to explain away his shortcomings as inadequacies in someone else. First it was her mother: Dad was all-good; Mom was all-bad. Eventually Sherri attached this badness to herself as well. Her idealized view of her father was the driving force behind a perfectionism that enslaved her.

Sherri’s unrealistic view of her father also led her to adopt a good husband, but Sherri had come to see him as hopelessly inadequate. She resented his weakness and believed there was almost nothing that she could do better than he could. She laughed at the very thought of comparing Walt to her father.

Without realizing it, Sherri had cast her marriage in the same mold as she had her parents – seeing one person as the repository of all that is good, and the other as the embodiment of all that is bad. No matter what issues we discussed, her inevitable refrain was that Walt had to “fix himself” before they could hope to have a successful marriage. Until Sherri becomes comfortable with the untidiness of human reality – that all fo us have both good and bad qualities, bot that all fo us are unique and valuable just the same – she will be imprisoned by her distorted view of life.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop in
"Making Peace With Your Father:
Understanding the Role Your Father
has Played in Your Life – Past to Present"
Regal, 2004 (originally Tyndale, 1992)

So Easy to Blame

2009-03-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

Christians weighing in on Botkin Syndrome:
Excerpts from
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves"
by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From pages 246 - 250:

Sometimes we blame others as cover-up for fear, fear of punishment, embarrassment, responsibility, and the like. Self-protection is a strong drive in all of us.

At the most basic level, our tendency to blame others probably stems from our fundamental conviction that we ourselves are blameless. Isn’t that right? We might never come out and say it, but deep in our heart we know that we are just, honorable, and upright. When things go wrong, it must be someone else’s fault. Surely it couldn’t be ours ...

Face it: we want to blame. When we have been hurt – or think we have – something in us wants to place the blame somewhere (usually on someone else). But the more we blame, the farther we walk down the dangerous path of bitterness. The path never leads us to health and happiness, only to deeper distress...

Do you see where this leads? Eventually we get all the way back to Eve – who, as we have seen, shirked her own responsibility as well. In other words, the blame game leads nowhere. All it does is prove that we are all flawed, imperfect people living in a flawed, imperfect world where “stuff happens.” So why bother playing it at all? Why not get off the path of bitterness and get on the path of forgiveness?

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Blame Game

2009-03-05T01:29:00.000-08:00

From Harriet Lerner in

“The Dance of Anger”:

This is the who-started-it game – the search for a beginning of a sequence, where the aim is to proclaim which person is to blame for the behavior of both.

But we know that this interaction is really a circular dance in which the behavior of one partner maintains and provokes the behavior of the other.

The circular dance has no beginning and no end. In the final analysis, it matters little who started it. The question of greater significance is: “How do we break out of it?”

(pg. 56).

Our Fallen Humanity and Family Dysfunction

2009-03-02T01:29:00.000-08:00

Townsend, Cloud, Carder, and Brawand in

“Secrets of Your Family Tree”:

You may feel that your family of origin wasn’t dysfunctional since your father wasn’t and alcoholic....

The truth is, however, that due to the fallen nature of all parents (and children), all families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional to a certain degree.

Addictive and complusive behaviors (addicted to food, sex, work, and so on) are extremely common in even “the best of families,” and such behavior is almost always linked to some form of dysfunctional family background.

(pg. 15)

Being Who Our Parents Need Us To Be

2009-02-28T01:22:00.000-08:00

"Beyond Survival:
The New Testament Solution
for Adult Children of Alcoholics"

by Nancy Curtis

As children, we tend to mold our personalities to adapt to our environment. If our environment is supportive, nurturing, and flexible, we are freed to express our own individuality. If our environment is rigid, demanding and conditional, however, we are forced to shape our behavior to fit the needs of others. We substitute our true self for a false self that is more acceptable to our parents, whose love and approval we need desperately. In essence, we compromise who we really are, and become what our parents need us to be.

(p. 53)

Fair Lady with the Alabaster Flask

2009-02-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

A Poem by Adele Hebert

Fair lady with the alabaster flask
How I wish I were there
To smell that fragrance in the air
All through the house
And what a cost A year’s wages
I would not forget that wonderful smell
And who could forget what you did?
Many saw you
Many knew you
Many smelled your precious perfume
Fair lady, I wish I had been there

You took quite a risk fair lady
You were not invited
Nor welcomed
And to enter a room
Full of men
Some were angry to see you there
Some are still angry
Some don’t care

Jesus was not though
He saw you and smiled
He knew why you came
Only a woman could do it
Only a woman would do
It had always been men before
Men prophets, men kings, men men

But suddenly now a woman
The time was right
A woman with some means
Who would buy the best
Who was compelled to come
Who dared to enter
Who dared to take a man’s place
Oh Fair lady, you were so brave

To anoint… the Anointed One
Not for a crown
Not for a title
But for his burial
A life giving sacrifice
For you and me
Fair lady, how did you know?

It was a special task
You broke that alabaster flask
…And it broke your heart
To see your Lord
You loved him so
To feel his skin
Knowing he would die
To smell that sweet fragrance
For his burial
He would have no funeral
Yet he was so alive
Oh fair lady, how could it be?

No singing in your heart
Only tears that night
Uncontrollable quiet tears
Sweet powerful smell
Tears pouring down
Costly ointment poured out
Oh fair lady, I can hardly bear it
Tears mixed with nard
Sweet sad agony
You used your hair
Oh fair lady on your knees

Jesus knew
Your heart and soul
He defended you
Against those men there
Said it would be a memorial
To remember you fair lady
Jesus knew
And so did you
What lay ahead
That’s what was so sad

But it had to be done
Jesus dying was the only way
The ultimate act of love
He loved you fair lady
Thank you for your precious nard
And especially for your tears
May we never forget you…
Mary of Bethany (Jn 12)

Fair lady with the alabaster flask.

Adele Hebert

What's Normal? How Would You Know?

2009-02-22T01:17:00.000-08:00

From Nancy Curtis in

"Beyond Survival:
The New Testament Solution
for Adult Children of Alcoholics"

Children don’t know what causes their misery. In fact, children don’t realize their dysfunctional home is abnormal.

Even physically abused kids don’t realize, while young, that normal parents don’t beat their kids, they think that there is no other way to live.

Botkin Family Shame Existence Binds

2009-02-19T01:10:00.000-08:00

From Fossum & Mason in
“Facing Shame: Families in Recovery”:

The shame-bound family system is fixed in its form and highly resistant to change, even though change is a natural fact of life.

This system is analogous to peanut brittle, with each person fixed in stereotyped, inflexible roles and relationships to one another...

When change exerts enough force all at one moment upon a rigid system, it may break and splinter.

The shame-bound system does not have good capacity to absorb very much stress and still regain its integrity.
(pg. 61)

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Basic Garden Variety Dysfunction and the Botkin Syndrome Contrast

2009-02-16T01:03:00.000-08:00

Christians weighing in on Botkin Syndrome:
Excerpts from
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves"
by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From pages 32 - 33:

Let’s recognize, then, that we are talking about a problem with a range of expressions. Some of us will consider ourselves products of.... “you basic, everyday, garden-variety dysfunctional family.” We recognize that our parents had their flaws and our family its weaknesses, but we have never felt that our adult lives have been negatively affected by them in a major way...

Still others will be unsure at this point. You may never have heard the phrase “dysfunctional family” before, let alone understand what it means or how it may apply to you.

All you know is that
“something’s not right”
in your life.

It may be anything from a lingering depression, to a problem with anger, to bouts of extreme anxiety, to inexplicable difficulties trusting others and getting close to them in relationships. You may have tried a number of things to deal with your problem, with varying degrees of success. You may be a deeply religious person whose commitment to spiritual truth has provided a great deal of comfort – but still you find yourself groping for the key to some personal difficulties that continues to elude you. If you place yourself in this category, we urge you to read this book carefully. It may well mark the beginning of an exciting time of self-discovery and growth for you.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Family Styles From Rigid to Adaptable

2009-02-13T01:54:00.000-08:00

Christians weighing in on Botkin Syndrome:
Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves"
by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From pages 78 - 83:

Chaotic and Rigid families – families at the extreme ends of the adaptability scale – have several things in common. For one thing, they are both rather poorly equipped for problem-solving. While the Rigid family will make some effort to discuss ways to solve problems, they tend to make decisions quickly and arbitrarily, and then to impose them on family members with little forethought or planning. The Chaotic family, by contrast, will often take a great deal of time talking about a problem, but in a confused, disorganized way that makes arriving at a clear conclusion very difficult. The Chaotic family typically does a poor job of following through with whatever decision it finally does come up with.

Both types of families also have a hard time dealing with emotions. The Rigid family tends not to allow the expression of emotions, and those that are expressed tend to be ignored. The result is that a great deal of anger builds up. But it is expressed in indirect and manipulative ways. In the Chaotic family, there is often a lot of expression of emotion, but the structure of family life is such that its meaning and significance get lost in the shuffle. The resulting implusiveness and volatility also stirs up anger...

The Rigid family is a very authoritarian family. Leadership is clearly defined and recognized: everyone knows who the boss is, and everyone knows what the rules are...

The Adaptable Family

The health balance between Rigid and Chaotic families is the Adaptable family. It is characterized by an approach that offers clear but flexible leadership and healthy but adjustable discipline. Everyone knows who is in charge; they also know that the leader is someone who can be talked to and reasoned with. They know that there are rules, and consequences for breaking those rules; they also know the rules are fair and sensible, and that exceptions can be made when the situation warrants.

Problems are discussed, and the discussion leads to a decision that reflects the input of various members of the family, both children and adults. Roles are clear – parents are parents, children are children – but communication is plentiful. People know what is expected of them, and they know how to negotiate those expectations when legitimate needs to do so arise.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Repenting of the Idolatry of Idealizing My Parents

2009-02-11T08:58:00.001-08:00

From a series of posts examining "multigenerational faithfulness," examining unquestioned obedience and First Time Obedience as an essential component of multigenerational faithfulness as taught by the Botkin Family.

Excerpt from PART II Addendum: Spiritualizing All Activities, First Time Obedience, Multigenerational Faithfulness and Unquestioned Obedience:

In closing this post, I would also like to state that as a consequence of trying to conform to my parents standards and eventually abandoning what was a fantasy of idolatry for me, I did suffer something I deeply regret. I learned to be easily brainwashed by anyone who was like my parents or by anyone who occupied a position that seemed parental to me. I learned to sell out my mind for the greater good to any authority that I trusted, and particularly any authority that reminded me of my parents. If I could identify the worst and most terrible consequences of my all the experiences of my life related to what I learned by trying to conform by basically denying and even attempting to destroy who God created me to be, it would be this core of idolatrous self-hatred for identifying my identity in Christ as sinful.

Learning this process and wrongfully defining it as obedience to my parents has predisposed me to errors in judgement that have resulted in being molested and raped as a child (by one whom I identified as a trusted authority figure to whom I should submit) against whom I had no recourse. As an adult, it predisposed me to submitting myself to the unjust spiritual abusers and religious authorities in a very damaging, cultic Evangelical church that preached the Gospel and laid hands on the sick and operated in the gifts of the Spirit that I believed qualified them as trustworthy. For this reason, I believe that the costs of unquestioned submission and ideals like “First Time Obedience” do far more damage than good. It is convenient for parents who believe that they are acting in the best interest of their children, but I believe that trusting and naive young girls and women very much like me have reaped terrible consequences of this type of unqualified and demanded obedience.

Please consider this following technique of self-deprecation used as a tried, tested and true technique of thought reform. I believe that just as adults who are subjected to spiritual abuse suffer these consequences, I believe that these are very similar dynamics that I learned in my own home because I did not fit the expected norm. And I believe that this made the process of religious conversion in a Bible-based cult all the easier and more familiar for me, almost seeming to offer a solution to my primary problem: my perpetual failure to earn my parents acceptance. If I have lusted after anything in my life, surely nothing has compared to the idolatrous lust I’ve followed in seeking after my parents’ approval. And the quest to satisfy that lust has hurt me far more than any other factor in my life. My parents never intended this to be so, but they didn't undertand that they were fostering idolatry in my heart. Surely they never would have done so if they had known. None of us knew.

Son of David, have mercy on me for having served them, my own lust for their acceptance and the wounds of my own heart. All I ever really desired was You and wholeness in You through your Atoning Blood. And I didn’t know any better. Please spare Your people this same pain. My heart is ever contrite before You, my Creator. Ever let Your strength be made perfect in my – Oh so many – weaknesses. Search me, know me, see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

From Biderman’s Chart of Coercison on the reFocus website:

Devaluing the Individual

Creates fear of freedom
Creates dependence upon captors
Creates feelings of helplessness
Develops lack of faith in individual capabilities

Abusive leaders are frequently uncannily able to pick out traits church members are proud of and to use those very traits against the members. Those with natural gifts in the areas of music may be told they are proud or puffed up or "anxious to be up front" if they want to use their talents and denied that opportunity. Those with discernment are called judgmental or critical, the merciful are lacking in holiness or good judgment, the peacemakers are reminded the Lord came to bring a sword, not peace. Sometimes efforts are made to convince members that they really are not gifted teachers or musically talented or prophetically inclined as they believed they were. When members begin to doubt the one or two special gifts they possess which they have always been sure were God-given, they begin to doubt everything else they have ever believed about themselves, to feel dependent upon church leaders and afraid to leave the group. ("If I've been wrong about even *that*, how can I ever trust myself to make right decisions ever again?").

Warning Signs:

Unwillingness to allow members to use their gifts. Establishing rigid boot camp-like requirements for the sake of proving commitment to the group before gifts may be exercised. Repeatedly criticizing natural giftedness by reminding members they must die to their natural gifts, that Paul, after all, said, "When I'm weak, I'm strong," and that they should expect God to use them in areas other than their areas of giftedness. Emphasizing helps or service to the group as a prerequisite to church ministry. This might take the form of requiring that anyone wanting to serve in any way first have the responsibility of cleaning toilets or cleaning the church for a specified time, that anyone wanting to sing in the worship band must first sing to the children in Sunday School, or that before exercising any gifts at all, members must demonstrate loyalty to the group by faithful attendance at all functions and such things as tithing. No consideration is given to the length of time a new member has been a Christian or to his age or station in life or his unique talents or abilities. The rules apply to everyone alike. This has the effect of reducing everyone to some kind of lowest common denominator where no one's gifts or natural abilities are valued or appreciated, where the individual is not cherished for the unique blessing he or she is to the body of Christ, where what is most highly valued is service, obedience, submission to authority, and performance without regard to gifts or abilities or, for that matter, individual limitations.

Consider that this is what you are doing to your children when you demand your way and your desires for their lives, even from the time they are small and seek only to run to you and hide themselves in the comfort under the shadow of your wings. No parent desires to reduce their children into automatons or two dimensional beings with no depth of character to leave them wounded and confused. But that it what happens to many of us. We were not made for the Sabbath rest but the Sabbath rest was made for us. Yet for many of us there is only striving to meet demands of perfection wherein there is no rest for the people of God. So many of these parenting paradigms are millstones, hung around the necks of little ones. And we weep.

Denial and the Illusion of Control

2009-02-09T01:47:00.000-08:00

John and Linda Friel in
“Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Familes”:

Our symptoms are born out of emotional denial and they serve to maintain that denial. They are ways that we allow ourselves to live one kind of life while convincing ourselves that we have a very different kind of life.

And while they serve to give us the illusion that we are in control, they are in fact clear indicators that what we have really done is to give up healthy control of our lives to something outside of ourselves. (p. 23)

As Cited In
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)
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Family Myths

2009-02-07T01:42:00.000-08:00

Christians weighing in on Botkin Syndrome:
Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From pages 68 - 70:

The opposite of family secrets are family myths. Myths are the things we talk about but never do. George Bernard Shaw once said that most history was nothing more than “a lie agreed upon.” Family myths are like that. They represent a silent conspiracy to pretend that things are different than they are. Ask almost anyone about their family, and the first thing you are likely to hear is one of the family’s myths.

The most common of these, perhaps, is the one that says, “Oh, our family was very close.” Time and time again I have asked people in the clinic to tell me about their families, and the first words out of their mouths are, “Well, you know we’re a very close family.” Tehn they go on to tell me about all the problems, hurts and disappointments their family has caused them, describing anything but closeness and warmth. But as they finish their account, they invariably conclude by saing, “But our family is really close.”

There are other common myths. People will say that their family was very loving or caring. People from strong religious backgrounds will often say that their family was very spiritual, even when there is little evidence of it.

Not surprisingly, family myths are frequently connected to family secrets: the one thing in the family is most ashamed of will be the thing they try to cover over with a myth. I remember Anne telling me about her family. In between the various problems she described, she mentioned repeatedly that her family was “very supportive.” “We’re always there for each other,” she would say. But about two weeks later, she exploded. “I thought my family was supportive,” she said. “But here I’ve been in the hospital for two weeks, and not a single one of them has come to see me. They haven’t even called. It’s like they don’t want to admit I’m here...

Where do family myths come from? To some degree, they are simply a social convention, as when someone asks, “How are you doing?” and you answer, “Fine, thanks.” But there is more to it than that. We have all been programmed in various ways as to what a “normal” or “happy” family is like. It is like the families we have seen on television programs, or read about in school books growing up. We know what a family is supposed to look like, and we have a natural reluctance to acknowledge that our family was not like that. Never mind that the images we have in our minds may be absurdly unrealistic. We want to believe that they are true, and that our life compares well with them. To acknowledge otherwise – to others, and even to ourselves – would be too painful.

This, of course, raises the question yet again: What is a “normal” family? And how do we measure deviations from that norm?

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Tears Are Treasured

2009-02-06T01:49:00.000-08:00

Tears are Treasured

A study on all the Tears in the New Testament

A guest entry by author, editor and independent scholar,
Adele Hebert

There are few words spoken by women in these gospels, but many tears are shed and recorded, mostly by women, some even by Jesus, the man of sorrows. The fact that all these tears are detailed says that God values all our precious tears, whether for joy or sorrow. Psalm 56:8 tells us that, “God knows our troubles and our wanderings, stores all our tears in a bottle, has counted each one of them, and they are recorded in the Book.”

The beginning of the New Testament opens with glad tidings, the announcement of two children, which brought tears of joy to Elizabeth and Mary. This joy would be short lived for Mary, as Joseph tells her that he will put her away her quietly. The betrothed was heartbroken, to say the least. An angel in a dream restores their marriage. After Jesus is born, Mary and Joseph bring the child to the temple, and it is prophesied to Mary that, “a sword will pierce your soul.” Lk 2:35. When Jesus was missing for days, she would have been beside herself with worry, but Mary would experience many more tears.

Following the joyful birth of Jesus, other women are not so lucky. Mt 2:18 “A voice is heard in Ramah, lamenting and weeping bitterly: it is Rachel weeping for her children, refusing to be comforted because they are no more.” Those women were bereft; Herod had given the order; the soldiers had killed their babies.

There was a woman in Lk 7:37-44,

“who had a bad name… and had brought with her an alabaster jar of ointment. She waited behind him at his feet, weeping, and her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them away with her hair; then she covered his feet with kisses and anointed them with the ointment. 'You see this woman? I came into your house, and you poured no water over my feet, but she has poured out her tears over my feet and wiped them away with her hair.” Jesus was touched by her tears.

There was another woman, taken in adultery, Jn 8:1-11. This woman would have been shocked, sobbing uncontrollably, knowing she would be stoned.

A man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, had a daughter who died. Lk 8:52 “They were all crying and mourning for her, but Jesus said, 'Stop crying; she is not dead, but asleep.” No doubt the woman who touched his hem, and was healed of her hemorrhage for 12 years would have rejoiced. Other women who would have wept with joy are the Syrophoenecian woman whose daughter was cured, the widow of Nain whose son was brought back to life and given back to her, the woman who had a crooked back for 18 years… and many more who heard the wonderful words of their Lord.

Jesus was friends with Martha, Mary and Lazarus. When Lazarus died, everyone wept. Even Jesus wept. Jn 11 says,

“When the Jews who were in the house comforting Mary saw her get up so quickly and go out, they followed her, thinking that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Mary went to Jesus, and as soon as she saw him she threw herself at his feet, saying, 'Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.' At the sight of her tears, and those of the Jews who had come with her, Jesus was greatly distressed, and with a profound sigh he said, 'Where have you put him?' They said, 'Lord, come and see.' Jesus wept; and the Jews said, 'See how much he loved him ' Sighing, Jesus thanked God.”

In Lk 23:28 Women wailed, “But Jesus turned to them and said, 'Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep rather for yourselves and for your children.” He had such deep concern for mothers and their children.

There is no telling how many tears were shed at that cross or the tomb, by Mary the mother of Jesus, Mary Magdalene and the other women. Their grief would have been unbearable. But on Resurrection morning, their tears of sorrow turn to shouts of joy.

Mk 16:1 says, “When the Sabbath was over, Mary of Magdala, Mary the mother of James, and Salome, bought spices with which to go and anoint him.” These women were still mourning for Jesus. Tears are louder than words.

Jn 20 says (twice) to Mary Magdalene, “Woman, why are you weeping?” Then he called her name, “Mary, go and tell them: I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.' So Mary of Magdala told the disciples, 'I have seen the Lord'.” Mk 16:10 “Mary Magdalene then went to those who had been his companions, and who were mourning and in tears, and told them.”

Apparently it was important to mention even in Acts 9:39 that, “all the widows stood round him in tears, showing him tunics and other clothes Dorcas had made when she was with them.” Another woman was brought back to life. Our tears are not for naught.

Jesus paid attention to all the tears; he saw them; he acknowledged them; he even cried with them. There are many tears in the NT, which says that Jesus knows our suffering, he hears our cries. Jesus also promised in Jn 16:22, “Now you are having pain. But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.”

Thank God all our tears are recorded; each tear is counted, for our consolation. Jesus hears our cries; Jesus sees our tears. Jesus even cries with us.

Thank You, Adele!
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Insightful Quotes

2009-02-05T05:33:00.000-08:00

List of Quotes Cited in Dr. David Stoop’s

“Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves”:

Gravitz and Bowden in
“Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics":

First and foremost, children are taught to disown what their eyes see and what their ears hear. Because of denial in the family, children’s perceptions of what is happening become progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or covertly, explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to believe what their own senses tell them. As a result, the children learn to distrust their own experience. As the same time, they are taught not to trust other people. (pg 19)

Fossum and Mason in
“Facing Shame: Families in Recovery”:

What is common to all such families is the commitment of all family members to maintain the secrets through rigid rules about what may and may not be talked about. These rules prohibit spontaneity in the family relationships; with spontaneity the real feelings and facts might be revealed.

Family members create powerful myths about their histories, often leaving out the painful historical shapers of the shame. The children in these families are loyal through their lack of questioning about the past, thereby colluding in the family’s rules. (pp. 45-46)

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Botkin Syndrome Secrets

2009-02-03T05:26:00.000-08:00

Christians weighing in on Botkin Syndrome:
Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From pages 64 - 68:

Family Secrets

Family secrets are the things that have happened – and may still be happening – that everyone knows about but that no one ever talks about.

As you look back at the various families we have met so far, it is easy, in most cases, to see what the family secrets were. Perhaps as you think back through your own life, you are aware of certain incidents, people, or problems, that no one ever discussed, eve though it was obvious that everyone was aware of them. Perhaps you can recognize the part you played in maintaining the conspiracy of silence.

That conspiracy was a significant factor in Richard’s family. Richard came for therapy with a great amount of reluctance. He was almost overwhelmed by the feeling that he was betraying his family members by talking about their problems to an outsider. “We were taught from an early age that family business stays in the family,” he explained...

Family secrets are like having an elephant in the parlor. You learn at a very young age that the one question you never ask is “Why do we have an elephant in the parlor? If friends or others outside ask about it, the correct answer is, “What elephant?” As the elephant grows, you put a lamp and a lace doily on it and treat it like part of the furniture. In time you have to avoid the parlor entirely. But you never ask about it or comment on it.

Family secrets are one of the main ways that family systems resist change. Everyone keeps doing what they have always done, as if nothing was wrong.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Unwritten Rules in Botkin Syndrome Families

2009-02-01T01:20:00.000-08:00

Christians weighing in on Botkin Syndrome:
Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From page 107:

Unwritten Rules

Children who grow up in dysfunctional families quickly learn the unwritten, unspoken rules of the household. Here are some that are especially common:

1. We don’t feel.

We keep our emotions guarded, especially anger (though often there is one person who is allowed to express feelings openly, especially anger).

2. We are always in control.

We don’t show weakness. We don’t ask for help, which is a sign of weakness.

3. We deny what is going on.

We don’t believe our senses or perceptions. We lie to ourselves and others.

4. We don’t trust.

Not ourselves, not others. No one can be relied upon, no one confided in.

5. We keep the family’s secrets.

Even if we are told, no one would believe us – or so we think.

6. We are ashamed.

We are to blame for everything bad that happens – and we deserve it.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

Roles and Rules

2009-01-30T05:10:00.000-08:00

Christians weighing in on Botkin Syndrome:
Excerpts from "Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves" by Drs. Stoop and Masteller.

From pages 105 - 106

A “role” is simply any fixed pattern of relating that forces us into set actions, behaviors and responses, out of “habit” rather than as a freely chosen response to changing circumstances and situations. When roles work like this, they dehumanize us. People do not relate to us as full, free human beings with individual dignity and free will, but only in terms of our role. We are treated, not as “Dave” or “Joan” but as “the Black Sheep,” “the Scapegoat,” “the Kid Brother,” and so on.

Every family system operates according to a set of rules, or what are known in the business world as “standard operating procedures.” Rules may be spoken or unspoken. Nevertheless they exist, and they affect our family’s activities and behaviors. Even without saying a word, our family lets us know what is and is not acceptable, how various circumstances are to be assessed and responded to, and how different individuals out to act and react in different situations.

From Robert Subby in “Lost in the Shuffle:

“Don’t rock the boat” is the all-encompassing rule, the master rule and gatekeeper who rides herd over all the other rules in the family. “Don’t rock the boat” becomes the rule that rules. This simple but stern injunction, “Don’t rock the boat ” locks each individual family member in a set of unhealthy rules. If left unchallenged, these rules will inevitably suppress change, hinder growth, and obstruct any hope of recovery. (pg. 46)

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop & Dr. James Masteller's
"Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves:
Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families"
Regal/Gospel Light, 1996 (Servant, 1991)

The Vicious Cycle of Idealizing Parents

2009-01-30T01:40:00.000-08:00

A Christian perspective on forgiveness ~
From Dr. Stoop’s “Making Peace with your Father”

From page 167:

The tendency to idealize a father is often passed on to us, often by our own father, who may have idealized his father.

Children who idealize Dad will vehemently express respect and admiration for him. Nevertheless, they are keeping Dad at a distance. They are not dealing with the real person, but with a character devised in their own imagination. They deny the existence of any negative or imperfect aspects of Dad’s character or personality and focus only on positive traits – which may be real or imagined. A good test of whether we are idealizing our father is to look at how we react when someone suggests Dad may have been inadequate in some way. An angry, defensive reaction is symptomatic of idealization.

One result of idealizing Dad is a sense of guilt over our own inadequacy. We measure ourselves against our picture of our father, and inevitably, we fall short. It then becomes a vicious cycle, because every time we fall short, we elevate Dad to an even higher pedestal.

Excerpt from
Dr. David Stoop in
"Making Peace With Your Father:
Understanding the Role Your Father
has Played in Your Life – Past to Present"
Regal, 2004 (originally Tyndale, 1992)