Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Yet Another Case History of the Sexualizing Parent

I received some feedback about the offensive nature of the terms that I use on this blog. It was just one person's observation who didn't particularly like the language. I don't think that I really like it any better than they do! Imagine how offended I first felt when I read them, also realizing that I'd lived out the dynamics of them. I defer to those who described my life on the pages of their books, too eerie and accurate for me to ignore.

I've yet to mention the Covert Incest website here, as it offers some general information about the disturbing phenomenon.

Here is a more disturbing account of a daughter who was "sexualixed" by her father, something that I believe there is great risk for within the whole Botkin Syndrome paradigm. Women and daughters in particular are not taught appropriate relationship boundaries as part of the patriocentric/so-called "Biblical patriarchy" movement, and I believe strongly that the dynamics predispose those who come from difficult families of origin to these types of abuse.

I have two dear grown friends who were molested by brothers in their families when they were growing up and told their mothers who denied the sexual incest. These were Christian homes and the abuse occured in the 1960s and the 1970s, without the subtle effects of the teachings that women are derivative images of God (that which is made in the image of man directly and not God) and created for the sole purpose of the support and use of men. I'm also concerned that the social isolation experienced in many homeschooling families and Family Integrated Churches will limit the resources and perspectives of young women so that they will not be able to readily find help, should they experience sexual abuse in addition to the covert incest that is so characteristic of the patriocentric paradigm.

This article contains some references to sexual boundaries and the disturbing paper thin boundaries that can characterize a relationship of emotional enmeshment between fathers and daughters. I pray that this is occurance is rare within family integrated church families, but I know that there is some potential for it as I have knowledge of sexual sins in some of these families. If you link to the full account offered by a reader of the Covert Incest website, be aware that there are references to sexual material.

From "Why Do I Feel Like He Is Making Me into His Wife?" featured on "":

I have known for a few years now that my father as a child emotionally abused me. I knew that his actions were inappropriate and yucky, but I was not sure what to call it. My psychologist helped me through confronting the abuse, but I still never put a name on the form of the abuse, nor was I ever able to feel fully validated in saying I was a survivor of abuse. No one ever touched me, so I did not feel like I had any right to complain...

He thinks women are taking over the world, and that we are all man-haters...

I couldn’t insult, offend, or question my father...

My mother is a terrible housekeeper, one of the breaking points in my parents’ marriage. She would leave for church Sunday mornings, leaving my sister and me alone with him. My sister would hide in her room. I knew what was coming but couldn’t run away because that wouldn’t be “right.” My father would fly into a rage and start yelling and complaining about how the house was a mess and we would start cleaning. I would keep quiet, not letting myself cry or show emotion, be a good girl and do whatever he said. I once scrubbed the bathroom floor with a sponge on my hands and knees, working furiously so that he wouldn’t yell any more. I just wanted him to stop yelling. I hated church so I wouldn’t go. I had no escape from his anger. I think I was afraid of him hitting me, or worse. I knew he would never touch me and yet I always felt that he might. And I was so angry for my mother for not knowing what was going on, for not staying and protecting me...

The amount of fear I feel when I am attracted to someone is horrible. Having a crush is never, ever pleasant.

So that is what brought me here. I feel like I need to understand what did happen so that I can move on with my life.